2007? Wait...no not yet!

The calendar keeps shuffling along, but the days pass like monochrome images. Stark black with hints of gray tossed around so I can wander to the next terrifying crisis. The reality of life isn't what you can get out of it, it becomes surviving the shit so you can do the right thing so your kids can have a better life than you managed to fuck up. Happiness is void with responsibilities. Am I bitter. Why yes I am. And yet it makes no sense. Funny how the game of life works out.

People enter into your life and you don't understand them completely when they are there. Or worse yet, the stars weren't aligned correctly so you didn't get to know them the way you really wanted too. The days pass and you are stricken with the feeling that this person should be in your life, but no matter what you do it can't work out. Fleeting like a soft kiss, she is gone. Like that kiss you wanted it deeper, longer and add passion with a hint of danger and humor. You know you could have it all, but that's how things work out.

And yet I feel that's how my life has been from day one.

It all started in Chicago in 1964. Yes young people I'm an old fart with a few years tucked away under my heart. I don't know why my family lived in Chicago at the time, but that's what it says on my birth certificate.

Life between then and kindergarten is a wash of faded memories. I know I almost lost my wrist at the age of three when I reached for a glass and I tumbled over a stool. The glass broke, my wrist sliced open and there were lots of blood. It doesn't seem to affect me much these days, I can still rub one out with the best of them. We moved to Iowa during this time and my father worked for my grandparents. He became successful in selling Insurance, Accounting and then real estate.

One of my grandparents favorite memories was on the day of a ground breaking ceremony for a large apartment complex they were building. I was dressed in my Sunday's best and then decided I was bored while everyone else got ready. I splashed my way into a few mud puddles. I'm sure everyone was pissed, but they had a chuckle retelling the story.

I can remember huge birthday parties in the summer time at my grandparents house. Sitting in the apple tree eating all the green apples my friend and I could stomach. It pissed my grandmother off, but we could have been doing other things. When my cousin came to visit (he was a few years younger) we would always leer him into trouble. Sending him to the store (across a busy street) with a dollar to buy a balsa wood airplane. My butt was pretty sore after that.

The elementary school was right next to the complex. My father was the manager so everyone knew who I was. One evening I heard my father bellow for me to get inside for dinner. When my father yelled it meant do it now or die. I didn't have time to go around the chain link fence so I decided to climb it. Halfway over, my shorts got tangled in the metal ends of the top of the fence. I had attempted to climb at a place where I could not see the front door of the apartments, but I could hear his thunderous voice. I panicked. I think the more I struggled the worse the tangle became. My father didn't threaten, the rumble in his yell could determine how angry he was and then he would explode. After the third or fourth yell I knew I was going to get a beating as soon as I was able to get off the fence. I tried screaming that I was stuck, but my voice couldn't carry. I'm sure tears and frustration also limited my ability to cry out as loud as possible. About fifteen minutes later some sweet older lady wandered out of her apartment and helped me down. I remember how patient and sweet she was as she helped me off the fence. The sweet smile she gave me when my feet hit the ground and I started to run, made me believe in angels. For only an angel could be that nice and calm in the face of my father.

I bounded up the stairs to the front door to see my father coming again. My life was committed to his hands and I knew there was a thin thread between living and dying at that moment, especially when you are a six year old boy. He grabbed me by the back of the shirt and carried me up to the front door. I hung limp like a slain rabbit. Protesting would only encourage more of his wrath.

My father stood around six foot three to six foot five. Its been awhile since I've seen him, but my father looked like he played professional football. I don't remember him smiling around me much and his eyes always held contempt or anger for me. At that age, I knew I tried to do everything in my power to please him or at least what I thought he wanted me to do. Still I screwed up despite my best intentions. My father led a gang in the fifties in Des Moines, IA. Don't laugh. It may not have been South Central or the Projects, but he and his controlled the school. When he got tired of the bullshit there, he decided to enlist in the Army. He wanted to be a paratrooper. The Army had other plans for him. They wanted him in special forces. The Army won out. I don't know what my dad did in the Army, but he was good at it. I remember seeing a few medals and more than enough weapons to believe he succeeded at it. I think his training made him meaner and angrier, but how am I to know?

Well back inside the apartment, my father threw me across the room, yes all the way so that I slammed up against the opposite wall. Literally twenty feet across the room with enough force to make me bounce off the wall and fall backwards. I cried in pain. I hated to cry in front of him, it usually made things worse. I struggled to get up as he spoke. "Your twenty minutes late. Wash your hands and you have eight minutes left to eat." When he meant eight minutes, I had no longer. I didn't try to explain what happened, I did what I was told and hussled into the bathroom and cleaned up as quick as possible.

My step mother to be looked at my shorts and asked what happened. I told her what happened. My father shook his head and after eight minutes I was finished eating and doing dishes. I know it probably wasn't the horrific story or all stories, but it was the fear my father impressed upon me. I have other stories that would make people blanch at their telling. When my father struck either physically or mentally I felt the blow coming like a truck slamming into a concrete pillar.

About the time I entered first grade, my father married Maggie his second wife and we shuffled off to Arizona. From what I understand we had been there before with my mother, but I remember nothing of it. This time I hated the thought of going to Arizona, but it wasn't up to me now was it?

Maybe I'll post more about this? I dunno...

cya laterz

Do, or do not.

"Do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing."

Shut up and do.

"Do, or do not. There is no try." - Yoda


I am at the mercy of myself. No one else has the wits to drive my actions.

cya laterz

Not that BS again!

Last night as I laid in bed thinking of a cool story to write, nothing came to mind. Nothing so spectacular or awe inspiring came into my conscious mind. Not that I didn't have an idea or two, but they drew a picture of blaise indifference to my own imagination. If they did that to me, then I'm sure to any reader it would be like eating dry toast on a hot summer's day.
Many of my 'stories' have come from neat ideas that I've had. One of the basic tools a writer uses is the 'what if' questions they ask themselves. "What if a man can heal people gets convicted for killing two young girls." You get the Green Mile. The game is easy enough to play. The hard part is convincing yourself that not only is the idea good, but who is going to play the role of the people you are projecting. That is where I stumble.

Characters are the story. No matter what media, the characters make or break the story. How many times has a premise sounded great about a movie, you watch it and it falls flat because you couldn't identify with the characters. (I'm not counting bad acting here. Only poorly developed characters).

Last week on Battlestar Galactica they showed a boxing sequence that fell flat on its face. The premise wasn't very good and the 'drama' they sought to include from backstory sucked. It did little to advance the characters, but played on the ability to create bad tension between friends and family. It turned into a soap opera. This is one of two or three shows I will watch on TV. Hell I own the first two seasons on DVD. It is a show I like, it brought me back to the days of watching Star Trek. But the characters fell flat.

Now instead of scenes I'd like to see, I need to audition characters for a good story. Maybe I can discover someone never used before and he or she can become a star. Maybe not in the sense of Hollywood, but a star of my own making.

cya laterz

Cornflakes

I'm a confused soul. Happy or sad does not cut it in life anymore or at least not in my adult development stage, because happiness doesn't matter any more. I'd like to think it does, but in reality it is all about getting to the next day without fucking up the current one. This means the choices I make need to send a 'positive' message to the ones I care about, whether or not it affects my happiness scale. This means I simply exist not to fuck with peoples lives. It doesn't always work because I get hit with thoughts about how unhappy I am. But that I'm told is selfishness. Giving to others is supposed to make me happy, right? Hell I even blogged about that concept, but what happens when it doesn't work? How long do I wait for my payoff? But yet it isn't about the payoff, it is the duty of one to make others happy and forsake yourself.

But I'm human. I am selfish. I want things I think people should be giving me and yet am I doing enough to expect it? Then self-examination begins to happen and I realize what a fuck-up I really am. My kids succeed when I'm not immersed in their lives. Yet I support them, but I know if they were around me 24/7 they wouldn't be succeeding as they are. I can't claim anything to their successes, but I am proud of them and let them know it as much as I can.

I don't feel like I'm a total loser and I can't do anything right. In fact, I do believe I do many things (at least in my mind) in the right way or spirit, but it never comes back to me. Again its about the payoff. And I am struggling with the fact that I am worried about the payoff. Many people will say that that is to be expected, that we all want something. We want to feel like we belong.

This brings me to another thought. What is love? I mean how do we feel it, express it and expect from it? I have a feeling that I have it all wrong. I think I'm giving the wrong things, doing the wrong things and acting the wrong way. I expect certain things that don't happen and I get frustrated or upset and then I want to give up. Do I give up too soon? Do I expect more than what can be given. But if those things can be given how do I give my love up so I can expect those things? How can I get someone to trust me after I fuck up? Is it ever repairable? [no I didn't cheat] The point is how can I always be there when I don't feel she is there for me?

Is it the man's job to chase the woman even after he has caught her? And how do you keep chasing her if you caught her, but she doesn't want to be caught again? The kicker of it all is that you love her so you can't give up when everything in the world says to give up. Doesn't that mean I'm running away again?

I don't know, but I'm exhausted. Toiling for an expected result that may never come, but because of love I'm expected to keep working at it. Am I going insane? I feel like it.

cya laterz

Fuck you? I wish...

Sex! Sex? Sex. Oh please? *sigh* Am I too obsessed with sex? I've only been in one relationship where the sex was mind blowing. Where she would meet me at work without any panties on and tease me that I couldn't do anything about it. That is until I got home and I could have my fill on whatever was in our imaginations that day. And not once or even twice, but three times a day! Yes even at my age I can muster up the troops a couple of times a day.

And then there are the other women I've become involved with, where everything starts out great and when its time to move to the sexual side of things even that is wonderful. The promises of the world are given and you take that on faith that it will always be that way. But something happens and it changes. The frustrating thing is you've invested your heart into a relationship, you want to be beyond close with them, but it isn't important to them. Any argument seems futile and you've left with we don't have to have sex to be in love.

No we don't. But it tears me up inside and it doesn't really matter. Then I start thinking crazy thoughts. Do I put too much emphasis on it? What is a normal sex life? Once a week or once a day? Why do I get so upset when I have to argue about it? Again am I being selfish because I want to feel good and yet she doesn't want to do it? Should I be concerned with her wants/needs over mine? And yet it doesn't seem fair.

Why does life seem to get harder as we get older? It never is simple about things. Love isn't enough. Telling someone you love them often gets a half-hearted grunt in return. Passion is something only for teenagers and I'm not supposed to think about that because that isn't how life really is. Why not? Shouldn't life be the way you make it?

And yet...if I were to buy that purse for her, I bet I could twist it into sex. How pathetic.

cya laterz

If you're happy and you know it stomp your feet

Suppose you had one moment in your life that you could change. Is there one possible moment that defines people. The fork in the road so to speak where you know if you took another path or made a different choice that things would have changed. The point is we don't know if that one moment changed would have the effect we thought it might. For example, if I would have stayed with my grandparents instead of living with my mother would I have turned out more mature and focused earlier on in my life? Should I have sought out my ex-wife after we broke up before we were married and tried to get her back? What then? Or the countless other life events that at the time seem so slight, but now as we gain age and (supposedly) wisdom we can say we could have done better, Howard?

What if the better ended up being worse? If I wouldn't have married my ex-wife, who knows who I would have met. Might I have grown up quicker, became dependent upon booze, found my creative spring or succeeded in areas on my life I never knew existed?

If only. Or I could have done better. But now lets take that energy and look forward. Time and age quicken our days and we are often left hoping we could have done something more. Do we spend time looking ahead or behind? And if we are looking to the future; do we ever catch the future? Are we making the things happen despite the choices we made or didn't make? Are we learning from our past mistakes so we can life a happier life?

Happiness. Sometimes this state of mind is as elusive winning the lottery. What then is the key to happiness. I used to think it meant doing what I want, but I'm learning that it really is making those you care about happy. Those that are closest to you. The ones who smile at you on a day to day basis. The ones if you get sick or hurt will be by your side until the end (good or bad). Are you giving yourself to them? Is there happiness more important than yours?

Do I have anything to back this up with? No. I don't have a national study, research paper or biblical passage or two that is evident that this will work. But if you think about it, a moment of spending time doing something for someone they don't expect that makes them happy is sure to reap you the reward of being happy. Keeping them the center of your attention has to pay off. This only works of course if they really love you. And when you shower them with your attention, creativity and love how can they not help but respond?

The future then becomes looking forward to doing something special for the people you love. In return they love you back and you feel wanted and needed. A synergy of love begins to circulate between the two (or more) people [not talking about threesomes :P] and no doubt your happiness becomes apparent and the things that matter to you, will matter to them. They in turn will help you reach your inner most desires because in the end, they care enough about you to urge you on, because you care about theirs.

Seems so simple when written, but when you have no money, the kids are always complaining and the house is a mess who wants to make that lazy son of a bitch happy? Maybe changing yourself will change them and if not, you know you trying your best to make those you love happy and in the end, find the peace you want.

At least I think so...

cya laterz

Wreckless driving...

For some reason, I went to my yahoo mailing address and I noticed I had joined many groups that I should not be joined too. No, it wasn't some computer virus that signed me up for them, but I willingly pushed the buttons to say, 'Yes I'll be a part of this.' I don't even remember when I did join them, but its all over now. Then I started to poke around some other groups. I don't know if they were wholesome and good for me, but much better than the previous ones.

Oh look creative writing. I wonder what goes on here. Oh hey, I could read other struggling writers and see how I compare. Maybe it might even inspire me to post. Or write. The horror of it all. (no pun about Holloween!) Lo and behold it has become truth. I posted something I wrote a few years ago, not really a story, but a scene I thought about. Most people 'liked it', but there was some major things missing (plot). I knew it wouldn't be golden, but it holds promise.

So I began to rewrite it. The characters had already been described. I knew what they were like, now I had to wrap it within a premise of a plot. Where something happens to them. And the funny thing is, I'm enjoying it.

Why? Because I got it in my thick skull that I need to do it for me. It used to be to impress someone, to make her think more about me and while that was the greatest feeling I ever had. It was all for naught. Now I do it because I have fun with it and the hell with everyone else. You either like it or don't. Of course I want people to like it, but I have to write it for myself and let those who read it decide and not put my hopes and aspirations into the judgement of those I am close too. Because no matter who that is, they are going to let you down in this area. SO you have to find a way to create something because YOU(me) wants too.

It seems simple and I've known this for many years. But it's like shifting a car from second gear to third and the stick won't quite catch into third. You can hear the grinding of the gears, the car loses power and you have to speed it back up again. Each time you do, your patience wears thin and you begin to think that this car will never get into gear. And its clear that you can't be satisified with second, but what's the point of trying for third. Then when you react and don't think about it, the stick slides into gear and you begin to go faster. You realize what you did, but you're not sure how it happened. Now its time to enjoy the ride.

cya laterz

Happiness Pill

I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.

So according to affirmation, or as Scott Adams says, "The idea behind affirmations is that you simply write down your goals 15 times a day and somehow, as if by magic, coincidences start to build until you achieve your objective against all odds."

"Viewed in this light, if you can write a goal 15 times a day for months, there’s a good chance that some part of your brain views the goal as achievable even if your rational mind doesn’t see how."

I can see how this works. If you tell yourself something enough you'll start to believe it. I've had many ideas in the past couple of weeks, but they all seem soft. And that's been my story (attitude) for the past few years. I really don't know how good my ideas really are and if they are worth doing. Some of these things will take up a majority of my time and I'd feel like a fool if they flop out. I guess I'm getting old and trying to apply wisdom before rash decision making.

Content is King. And I feel like most of my stuff have a great first step, but no staying power. Sounds like a bad episode of sex, huh? Anyways how does one overcome the thought of failure to invest his/her heart into projects that may or may not fail. Where can they find trust within themselves to carry on. Funny thing is I used to have that and life has taken its toil and I've lost it.

Why is it that I need someone to validate it? And when I do have someone, why am I scared to ask for that validation? Failure? I used to think negative thoughts would propel me into action, now it seems I agree with people. How do I turn that around? Do I need someone to cheer me on? Is that what it takes to become successful? Or do I have to find my own inner strength and those around me will accept it and not only support me, but allow me to succeed. Should I be asking for it? Is it their responsability to spurn you on or is it your own?

I know it is your own. But situations can affect your thoughts. If you are not happy with conditions in your life, how can you be motivated to do much of anything? How much energy can you find when hell seems like a viable option? How do you push through the crap, make yourself happy in any situation and carry on with your dreams? I wonder if there is a pill available for that.

cya laters

Podcasting...

I wanted to write a quick note about an idea or two I've had. I'm thinking about doing a podcast and possibly starting a videocast with someone else. The details are still in the planning stages, but I'm seriously thinking about it. I'd more behind the scenes, I might do the audio for the podcast, but I would for sure not be infront of the camera for the videocast.

Just need to start it...I've got the first show for the podcast mapped out. Just need a couple more ideas to fill in the gaps.

cya laterz

Poking a Finger in Your Face

Dreams, hopes and goals the triunal god of fantasy. But is it really fantasy? I'm not talking about a god that you worship or idolize, but one that covets enough of your attention that it can affect the way you live your life.

But another god seeks to destroy Fantasy. The god of failure, complacency and laziness or in these terms, called Doubt. Doubt and Fantasy are the polar ends of the spectrum and even when Fantasy rules, Doubt is crouched ready to cast apphrensions upon your success until they become shadows in your mind. These two gods battle for your inner quest to achieve your place in this world. Complex or simple these things are what you do with your life. This war lasts your lifetime no matter which stage of completition you are in. If Steven Spielberg decides to give up after Indiana Jones, we would have never had Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, and a plethora of other movie classics. He conqueres Doubt on a daily basis so Fantasy can succeed. It would be interesting to know what types of demons, Doubt casts upon his soul.

It is revelant to me that we never give up, but the question is how we begin to tread this path of resistance. Because Doubt is there at our every turn. And then you realize it isn't a communal epthity, but a quest each much decide for themselves. Fantasy succeeds when we take each moment and cherish it for what has been given to us.

We need to shun the cloaks of our own heresy and forbid the old ways. The old ways have not been working for us! We can watch others succeed and mutter what lucky son's of bitches they are, but in all reality, Doubt has ruled our lives. And Doubt my friends enjoys sitting on your chest and poking its finger into your face. Your belief in Doubt makes you the loser, not the fact he resides in you.

And in the end it is up to me. To stand up and be accountable for my actions, my decisions and my success or failure because at my dying breath one of these two gods will have won and all I know it is not up to them to decide, but me.

cya laterz

Treadmill

Fortitude is something missing from my life. One could argue the opposite, but I'm not seeing it. Times have been hard over the past few months in almost every area of my life. It makes me wonder how I can finish the race standing up. I never understood those that said life's race gets old at the end. And now with age I start to see why.

At every turn it seems impossible to carry on. Another problem to solve, another crisis to figure out or plain disappointment in my life. I cling onto the good stuff, but are like fireflies and they blink and vanish before I get to catch them.

My eldest son enlisted in the Army. For the past few years he has stuggled. Friends led him down a path of distruction and it all ended when work caught him. Left without a job and really hope of doing anything he turned towards the Army with the promise of being able to go to school afterwards. It took a while for him to get in, with his partying issues, but in late August he was sent to Fort Sill, OK to begin basic.

I've spoken to him once on the phone since that time. So its been hard for me to know what is going on, his mother and I compare conversations so we can understand how he is doing. He hasn't gone AWOL and it seems my boy is turning into a man down there. Which I had hoped would happen.

My daughter has discovered barrel racing. As a ten year old, she competes against teenagers and does quite well. While she isn't winning every race, the 'professionals' tell her that they see a lot of promise in her. She continues to reduce her time and more importantly she loves to ride on her horse.

She is also a very smart girl. Last month she took an achievement test at school and she was one of three to score above 95%. This means that she can earn a trip to Univeristy of Colorado for a week if she passes the next series of tests. If she does well it could also mean inclusion into a group called TAG (talented and gifted).

And yet these remarkable achievements of my kids are being done without me. This tells me a lot.

My personal life is in shambles. Work is okay, but slow so that always puts stress on life. And all of this makes me feel sorry for myself. I do a good job of that it seems. The stupid thing is that I know I'm doing something counter-productive, but I can't stop doing it. I get in stupid arguements because I'm selfish or I want something more than someone can give. And I expect it. But am I giving enough of myself to warrant such a behavior? I don't think so.

My goals fell apart long before my birthday and I'm still not even close in succeeding any of them. I was out of town the whole month of July, gone every weekend doing things and when I did find time to myself, it seemed like work rather than enjoyment.

Wow. Work rather than enjoyment. That sums my life up in a nutshell. I get very little enjoyment out of life anymore. I don't even know where to start to search for it. And yet, there are so many signs in my mental images to show me where and when I have missed it.

I think about the "Jetson's" opening when George is running on the treadmill and it gets starts to go faster and he yells, "Jane! Get me off this crazy thing!" I have no voice to yell, but I stumble along trying to keep up, hoping it will slow down. Sometimes I get scared that I might just jump off, but I don't think that is going to save me. It would only cause more problems.

cya laterz

Back

Another hideous absence from posting. But I'm back, like a dirty pair of underware you find behind the headrest of your bed. And if you end up sniffing them to see if they are clean, well my friend, you have a different set of issues than I.

Its been a crazy summer with many things happening. I'll try to chronical some of them if you are interested if not, well you've probably already removed this blog from your bookmarks. I have to go, but I hope to be on again soon.

cya laterz

Goals

I guess I didn't offend anyone with my last post. I'm always concerned about putting those kind of stories on here since it is a public blog. But I'm sure I've only have about 3-4 readers from time to time so I guess it isn't as public as I think it is. I wonder if there is a way to track traffic. Heh, maybe its a good idea not too.

I created a list of goals to achieve by August 12th; my ungodly birthdate.

1. Lose more weight. I've gotten up the last few days earlier and I'm going to the gym twice a day. I'm also trying to eat better things, but that is hard to do sometimes. I think that is a matter of sticking to my goal.

2. Unleash my creativity. I'd like to have some sort of creative project completed in this time. It might be a short story, a podcast or videocast of some sort. I suspect it would be in the form of a short story, but I've thought of many ideas over the past couple of weeks making some type of media thing.

3. Learn to play two songs reasonably well on my guitar. I've started and stopped doing this so many times over the past couple of years, but it is something I really want to do. I need to practice a few minutes everyday so it becomes a habit (just like the extra extercise.)

4. Relationships. I'm not even sure how to explain how to do a better job of this, but I want to work on it. I might even find someone...(the sound you heard was me laughing).

cya laterz

A hot night...

Clinging to your slim body, you decided to wear my favorite t-shirt, its nice and tight and ends at your belly button. The summer's humid air presses against your breasts outlining your perky nipples. You've also selected a pair of bikini silk panties which leaves little to the imagination as they are tight against your pussy showing a hint of your lips that I can't wait to run my finger slowly across.

The whirl of a fan blows a cool mist of air across you as you lay on the bed. A faint hint of lavender tickles your nose as you settle back into the pillow waiting for me to enter the room.

When the light clicks off, my silhouette appears at the end of the bed casting me in a mysterious dark glow. The moonlight casts a frame around your body and you hear a sigh of pleasure escape from me. I hover over you, but I don't touch you, yet the heat of my body so close drives you mad. You open your mouth to speak, but I press my index finger against your lips. Then I place a fuzzy blindfold over your eyes.

Your whimper makes me smile. You hear me stifle a note of mischief and then only the whirl of the fan is audible. In the darkest of night you lay waiting. Listening for anything that might give you a clue of what I am up to, but not even the sound of my breath is heard. It seems that you are all alone.

A cool sensation brushes against your thigh. A shiver runs through your body. The chill crawls up your leg, past your waist and trims the edge of your panties until it does a small slow circle around your navel. The cold and watery trek of the ice cube makes you wet. You scream both in shock and pleasure. Without warning it stops, but in a moment, you feel the gentle cool splash of the ice dripping on the tips of your right nipple through your shirt.

What more can you stand...

Heh...leave me alone for a bit and see what happens!

cya laters

Save the Internet!

I'm not one for posting political action, but if we don't do something soon we could lose the Internet as we know it. Not only that, but making personal copies of your cd's, dvd's or any other copyrighted or uncopyrighted material. The RIAA (recording industry) has said that taking a cd and ripping to your computer as MP3's and copying them to your iPod or any other mp3 player it is against the law. Which means you could go to ten...yes up to TEN years to prision.

The article today has many artists such as Moby against this bill because they want to destroy how the internet operates. There is an election coming up this fall, goto this site. They are voting because the RIAA are giving them money to vote for this stupid bill.

I'm not suggesting that we pirate software, but they want us to buy a copy of the song EVERYPLACE you put it. Or the DVD you bought, you thought you owned the movie? Nope. The RIAA says you bought the rights to view the movie. If you have small kids in the house and want to make a backup. You can't with this bill.

Please write your congressman and let other people know about this hideous practice. If you go to the site, enter in your information and it will help you forward the message to the correct congressman in your district.

Even if you don't think this is a big deal. Think about trying to add a website for your business or hobby. Part of the bill will allow the bigger companies (phone, communications) to squeeze out the independant developers or web hobbyist from having web space unless they pay a fee for people to visit their site. This bill has far reaching implications, lets get it voted down. Now.

Again it's: http://www.savetheinternet.com/blog/
cya laterz

Something I puttered with...

Imaginations aren’t for the common folk. He could hear his momma’s voice, “Best be leaving those thoughts be boy. You ain’t got no use for them.” He supposed she was right. No sense getting worked up about something that will never happen anyways. What did it matter if his mind painted pictures of the city, the lords, the knights and hinted at the touch of magic.

“There’s no such things as wizards, Johnny.” Even his best pal Frankie wouldn’t even join along with his adventures. Still Frankie had the same taste for going to the city and exploring all the fantastic sights they heard almost on a nightly basis outside the window of the “Splattered Pig”.

Of course if his parents knew he kept late nights poking around the tavern, he wouldn’t be able to sit for a week and it was sure as the grass grew he end up with more chores. Getting close to the Pig became the easy task, getting in and out of their houses took all of their sneaky attributes they could muster.

Stories tumbled out of people’s mouths like the ale from the tap of kegs. Johnny believed every word strangers would recite to the townsfolk who had nothing better to do in the evenings than enjoy a few pints of the hometown brewed ale. Frankie on the other hand often dismissed them as fables. “Why would them come so far to be spreading tales?”

Frankie’s stare left no doubt that the older boy knew what he was talking about. His responses sounded like they came from his momma’s mouth. “So me and your pa would buy them more drinks.”

With a shake of his head, Johnny would lean his head back against the wall and wait for the next story to begin. Swords and sorcery. Knights with large white chargers bearing down on wanted criminals, while mages kept the castle safe with unknown spells that could turn anyone into a frog if they breeched the walls, these men come from town to town and the stories are the same. They may have different names, but the results are the same and some horrible thief or outlaw from a distant kingdom would be served the King’s justice in some spectacular way.

Frankie leaned in and whispered, "I known it would be fun to go. We should save our coppers and go before the snows come." Frankie smiled.

Cheetos

I've finished my lunch and I'm wiping the remenants of Cheetos off the ends of my fingers. I'm reminded about the old joke about masterbation and Cheetos and having a orange penis. That got me to thinking, there are many flavored gels on the market to enhance the oral experience. : Cherry, Strawberry and etc. If your lover really enjoyed the taste of Cheetos wouldn't that be a nice little surprise for her?

Of course if start looking at this logically it doesn't make sense. I mean you'd have to consider time , amount and other types of factors to make it worthwhile for both.

Think about it though....

You get underdressed and before her is an orange member staring at her. "Look honey! It now comes in flavors." Cheese, BBQ, Sour Cream and Onion...okay so maybe not Sour Cream and Onion.

Or maybe I should keep these thoughts to myself?

cya laterz

Dizzy

Round and round it goes where life stops nobody knows...
There is a frustration in my life that I can't seem to hang onto people. I think I twirl around going from one thing to the next and unless you are caught in my gravitational forcefield, you bounce off my atmosphere and continue your way in space. Sometimes the sun will pull you back and there is a brief mingle of pulls, but unless you crash into me. You pass on again.

I believe its my disposition in life and how I feel about myself. Don't cringe I'm not going to get all weepy. I'm only doing some self analysis so I can improve. My improvement of course depends on the perspective of who is reading/writing this.

It bothers me that I can't hold onto relationships very well. Often times than not, I enjoy my own company over many people I know. There have been a couple of people in my life where that hasn't been the case (I can think of two.). Since I'm over forty years old, I sense that this a problem. I have a hard time having casual friends.

I think this hurts me in my giiiiirl relationships. I'm pretty much 0 to 60 in a heartbeat and then keep the pedal to the metal until it explodes because I want more. Usually there isn't more to give and then I 'feel' hurt. These conditions I'm pretty much sure destroyed the one person in life I knew I could share it with in whole, but my patience and understanding could not be trained to realize that while I thought I was pushing hard to control things, I had actually lost control. This of course left me without the perfect someone.

When I mean perfect, I don't mean we agreed on everything and life sparkled every second of the day. Perfect meant that I saw her beyond a woman, mom and partner. We could share a laugh, music and the gentle breeze. It meant that I would have rather been with her than anyone else in my life. She became my best friend. And I [metamorphically] strangled the life out of our relationship until she became so emotionally overloaded that she didn't want to be around me and I felt I had to drag anytype of emotion out of her to 'progress' to the next level.

A real relationship between two people starts off as friends and then you get this hint that it could be something more because you really enjoy being with that person. I've come to realize the process of real love is like incabating an egg and letting it sit under the warmth of friendship. And then the sex I presume would be terrific because you gave yourself and the other person to fully experience your full essence of not only what you are, but what you've become to each other.

I love sex. Like most men, I go crazy when I don't get it and then it becomes an obsession that I want to pursue. Damn. I'd rather go through all the emotions of a woman who I call as friend who will laugh and cry with me. Of that I miss the most, because society has allowed sex to become too easy. The hard part is being able to hold someone hard enough so they know you love them, but not so hard you strangle them. I hope someday I will learn how to do that.

cya laterz

My Creative Vision 20/200

Something inside of me wants to burst out and no I haven't been impregnanted by an Alien! I've pretty much OD'd on Oblivion for the past couple of weeks, World of Warcraft has lost its thrill and now I'm staring at my PC and 360 wondering what to do now.

Have you seen the Lynchland video podcasts? That guys has an active imagination! I find him not only amusing, but makes me want to be ambitious and do something unique. Right now I'm watching episode 7. He is doing a thing about the three pigs. The wolf is halarious! Oh the Foo Fighter's lead singer...

Well check his Videocast out! I suggest watching the episode one first to get the 'feel' for it. It won't be for everyone.

But still my creative side gently weeps....

cya laterz

Overclocking

Back in the day it used to be that overclocking meant that you changed the mhz in th bios and you could squeeze 10% more out of your computer system. Okay I bought Oblivion and I installed it on my home pc and it crawled. DAMN! I was jonsing to play.

Okay my home pc wasn't all that, hell I still had an AGP card in it! GASP the horror of it all. I started to take a look at my system in more detail and I realized I was only able to clock the CPU to 1.25 GHZ. What the hell? I began to fiddle with my BIOS settings and nothing I did was able to get the processor over that 1.25 GHZ speed. I thought I had a 2.8 GHZ processor.

The next day I took the machine apart and disassembled the fan and the cpu. The CPU had a corner of it chipped off. UGH. I thought I'd replace it, but the Socket A CPUs are pretty much a thing of the past and all I could find was a 2.2 GHZ. This would simply not do. How could I play Oblivion on such a slow CPU.

So I upgraded my system, not by choice, but it had to be done. I got a DC 3.8 AMD SLI system. I could only afford one video card right now, but here are the specs for those who care:

A8N SLI Asus mb
3800 AMD X2 (Duel core)
2 gigs ram
7800 GT video card
250 Sata 300/mbs hd

Not a bad system and with the new psu, it runs very quiet. But trying to get some speed out it has been a pain in the ass. I'm not able to clock it very fast as it freaks out and stops working. I think I'm at about 2.3 GHZ about a 5% gain from stock.

What frustrates me is that not only do you have to worry about pure numbers. HTT, FSP, Multipler and memory speeds, but you also have to worry about voltage on each of the three main systems. Since I haven't done much hard overclocking over the years it has been a bit of a relearning process. So I'm left with two thoughts. Either my airflow inside my computer sucks (thinking of using a sideways cooler ) or I don't know what I'm doing - which means I can't comphrend overclocking issues.


Still the game looks beautiful with this system as is. I have most of the settings turned up and I run from 30-60 fps depending on the circumstances. Fights are smooth and beautiful.

One thing I will add about getting Oblivion for the xbox360 vs teh computer. From what I've been reading, getting mods for the xbox has been an issue while I have about 10 mods installed. Modding this game is the way to go, check out the forums for some great addons and textures. There are mods I think should be required to make the game more enjoyable to play.

One final point, playing Oblivion. With the chances I've had to play I've really taken on the whole roleplaying aspect of it rather than hurry up to win the game. I've taken the approach to savor all the possibilities the game has to offer. I've created two characters a knight and a assassin and plan on going down two separate paths of decisions with them.

cya laterz

Oblivion!

I tried to resist buying this PC/XBox360 game. I bought it for the PC instead of the 360 and I'm in love with it. I'm at work and I'm jonesing (do people still use that word) to play it now. The graphics are so amazing.

Let me give you some background about Elder Scrolls. Oblivion is the fourth installment of this series. The first Elder Scrolls game was the first RPG (role-playing game) that allowed players to follow which ever storyline they wanted, but actions have consquences. They continued to develop the series with the same goals in mind. I did buy Morrowind, but it just didn't have the same romance with me. I think games like Everquest got me thinking about how other things can be done and I wasn't able to really get into it.

Oblivion has reinvented itself in some ways. You begin the game creating the race and look of your character. You can control every aspect of how the character looks (I'm not sure how to add a beard/mustache). The game does start you in a cell and drives the plotlines along, but only for a bit. You are then left to explore and learn the game before the game requires you to choose your birthsign and class. You can even create your own custom class! I enjoy the fact you have many races and classes to choose from. I hate having only four or five of each to decide from.

When you exit the sewers, you begin the game. Like previous versions you are able to explore the world at your own pace. I've only begun, but one word of warning, be very careful of picking things up that don't belong to you unless you plan on going into that line of work. And you can!
You can choose to be good or bad, nice or naughty and follow the line of quests or not. In one scenero I'm doing the story line and another I'm going to live the life of crime.

The graphics are amazing. My computer at home cannot handle the game at full resolution. I need to upgrade my video card. I brought it to work to see how it would look on my newer pc and it looks beautiful! Check out the screenies!

Okay need to do some work so I can screw around in that world again. I really wish this is what MMRPG should be like!!

cya laterz

Lost

I wish it was about the TV show, but I have to admit even as much hype as it has gotten, I haven't watched a single episode. In fact in the past few months I've sort of wondered away from about everything. Nothing excites me anymore. Any creative spark has long since vanished. Much like my posting on this thing. I'm not sure why.

I've thought about producing a couple of video -casts. They are much like the podcasts you can download off of iTunes, but of course they are video. The problem is that I'm having a hard time coming up with a unique subject that isn't getting talked about to death. Funny how when I was a kid or young adult, all this geeky stuff was unique to a few people. Now everyone is a geek or a nerd and they like it. *sigh* Topics that I'm interested in are swarthed in honey and I'm not going to rehash the same shit as everyone is doing.

Which makes me wonder what I can do. Ponder... I'd do naked women and such, but that's too close to pron. Although that would be a great topic. Heh.
Oh well I'll figure something out.

cya laterz

Screwed Up

Well I didn't make it today. Sigh. I feel like a failure on days like these. When I miss simple goals it frustrates me. I do know that I have to try and meet them tomorrow. Write, play guitar and continue to succeed with my business. Usually work comes first, but then I don't even get the chance to do the other two. I'm either running errands or figuring out what else I'm responsable for that I forgot to do. I'm last on the list of important things.

Thursday night I was supposed to go to a writer's group. Not sure what that will accomplish, but I figured it might 'inspire' me to do something. Guess what, I can't. I guess there is always tomorrow(next month). The past few months that the way things have seemed to go. *whine*

The other thing running through my veins is playing my guitar. I haven't been able to put much time into it since Christmas, but it is really starting to bug me that I'm not playing enough to get good (decent) at it. Tomorrow I'm going to play come hell or high water. And no I'm not going on a tangent on where water rises before hell comes.

I have been doing some work writing as we are getting some blogs going, but I had scatter brain while I wrote the first draft so I'm going to start over.

cya laterz

Posting

I mean to post more. I really do. I even mean to email people more often, but somehow the day gets swallowed up in assine tasks. Some of these tasks are self-inflicted, like a cutter. I do a good job of hiding my 'tasks' under my long sleeved excuses shirt. I feel like the man with all of the good intentions and yet I am not able to produce.

There is a writing group in the area I'm thinking of checking out. You know the kind of thing where you go share your work, they ooo and ahhh over it and then come up with some notions about how it could have been better if you had done this or that. I'm hoping to use it as a springboard into action. I'm my own worst critic and if you've read any posts on this thing you realize this is a major topic of mine. I keel my writing passion because I'm more worried I'm not going to write anything good enough. And yet I've actually come to realize, that I don't have anything to really say.

I'm thinking writers are sneaky preachers. For most they want to get their view across about something. Major themes are issues that writers take on to expose to the world. How am I going to contribute anything to the great debate. Hell I don't even know what to debate. I feel like an intellectual pea in the garden of life. I squish real easy.

But yet deep in my bowels (eeeewwww as someone used to say to me and then giggle), I know there is something lurking ready to be exposed. I wonder what makes people expose themselves. Espicially in the winter time. And while I know in New Orleans if you throw beads or drinks at women they will expose themselves it isn't the same as a man wearing a large overcoat flashing himself. Does someone wake up one day and decide the world needs to see his naked body? Is there a process of deciding what day that is? Do they practice in front of the mirror? And if they do practice, are they sure that other people want to experience the same thing? Now what the hell was I trying to say?

There is something there and I keep coming back to that spot in my soul where there is something worth telling. I know it is about to come forth soon. And the worst part, because I haven't been really crafting my story writing I might not be ready for it. I suppose I should go prepare the brain for this upcoming event.

Cya Laterz

Random Post #131

This random post is brought to you one strange guy. I'm not even sure what I'm going to post about, but I wanted to write at least something. Not like I've been aggressively working on anything in particular. It seems I'm always working on nothing wasting my time on planet earth. I do try to work hard and make something of my business. We put together a nice promo cd, had the label printed professionally, and it looks pretty swell. I'm pretty tired I think I'm gonna head to bed.

cya laterz

Happy go unlucky

Happiness is a state of mind that most conservatives consume. Liberals are not as happy. I heard this on the radio on the way back to Appleton. I used to brand myself as a conservative because I liked the idea of less government in our lives. But it doesn't matter which politcal party invades the government, we get screwed either way.

BUT...in the matter of me verses happiness. This becomes my choice and not those that are around me. I can choose to be who and what I want to be, it is their choice to flee. My dreams, goals and ambitions are all I can control. I once thought it never mattered what other people think, damn them all. I'm going to do what eye want to do. Guess what. My self-observation on this subject required a readjustment of thinking. It is eye who cares so much about what my inner circle cares about that I stumble into a state of inactivity. Unsure of what to do, how to please or sometimes how to act I'd rather slink into submission and not worry about crazy notions of success. And by success I mean doing what I am thinking, dreaming or trying to achieve.

Now that I've woken up. It now occurs to me that I have the ammunition to do whatever I want and stop caring about those who wish me in my little box. In reality I'm sure they would tell me that they want me to be 'myself', but secretly enjoy that I am in my place. My place is where I'm not a threat to unbalance the customary journey through life. You know what. This journey has sucked for me. I'm not happy with many of the paths I've choose. The funky thing is I can't blame anyone, but myself.

Things will change. I've done it before on smaller scales. I've challanged myself before and done it by strength and fortitude. Now its time for me to rise up off the bench and get in the game. (sheesh what a tired cliche') I now know that I'm not judged by you or anyone else. My judgement comes from myself. I will conquer life.

What is good in life, Bob?

"To crush your enemies, to drive them before you and to hear the lamentations of their women."

Inner demons beware. I'm about to get medieval on your asses.

cya laterz

Master-plan

Do you masterbate? Yes, I do. It isn't a hobby or something I wake up in the morning looking forward to doing. But sometimes there isn't much I can do about my sexual drive. I don't want to get personal (heh like I haven't already), but masterbation to me is like eatting cotton candy. Sure its quite sweet, but the high is quick and the thrill is over way too soon and all you have is a sticky mess you have to clean up yourself.

However, what else do you do to release the sexual frustration built up? The desire to have someone so close is insatiable. An evil thought passes your mind when a sexy woman bends at the waist. Your eyes rivet to her ass. Tight slacks snug against a round butt. You want to run your hands over the fabric and pull her close to feel how hard you've become by watching her. The fantasy doesn't stop there and every woman passing by becomes a new dream sequence and I paused a moment and wonder how she would be in bed.

Which then leads me to believe that I am a dog. Men are dogs. They will screw any bitch in or out of heat. But in reality it is more the thrill of what is wanted rather than forcing myself into the situation. For example, I followed a thirty something woman in the mall on Monday. She was about five feet five, nice and fit and wore a smart business suit that looked really nice on her. Her hair was cropped at the neck, but it was one of those straight, short with a bit of a wave to give a hint of sexuality to it all. Her boots clicked on the mall floor as she carried her bags towards the exit. Before I even noticed what she carried I was intrigued. But even more so when I noticed the Victoria Secret bag and I knew someone was a damn lucky man.

But I took it that extra step and wondered how she acted in and out of the bedroom. A deadly combination of smart and put together on the outside, but a spice of danger that allowed her to be completely open to her lover. So open she bought a cute outfit for a night of passionate sex. Then my fantasy ran wild and I imagined what it would be like with someone so giving. Willing to give themselves to the experience. When the cold blast of air hit me, I reverted back to reality and I knew I was back to reality.

Now you are wondering if I pictured her when I masterbated. Of course I did. Isn't that what masterbating and fantasies are all about? I suppose if my situation were a bit different I wouldn't have to waste my energy on something made up. And that is what makes the act of masterbation more of a frustration than it solves. I'm left to clean up the mess without the complete satisfaction of feeling....spent.

cya laterz

V Day cometh like a hurricane

Valentine's Day approachth. I want to flee from it like a wet cat from a
half-full tub of cold water. I'm cold, wet and tired of fighting for it. Yes
fighting for love. Hell, I'm willing to bet that I don't even know what
love is. No. I'm chasing love. Now if I could only find it.

Part of me has lost what it means to be romantic. I used to think I'm
a pretty good at delivering romance to a beautiful woman, but now
its difficult. Not coming up with ideas, but coming across with
execution. It seems so fleeting. I know women really love romance,
but does it get remembered? Or is it like a sports season, its exciting
when its happening, but when the games are over, its almost like it
didn't happen.

Love is fleeting, but then it turns into a relationship and love doesn't cut it anymore. Like sludging through mud, slopping the mundane shit off your shoes so that falling into the bed is an enjoyable process time and time again. Life seems to suck all the energy and when do you have time to spend with that other person? I'd love to begin the day with sex, but precious sleep is wasted because you are only getting 5-7 hours a night as it is.

Valentine's Day is the cumulation of romance. Sex is supposed to be rewarded for the ingenuity of what type of rommance is dreamed up. But I'm not there this year. I have a ton of neat ideas, but I'm not into it.

Happy V-Day to you all. My cynical look at romance should not dissuade you from having a great time with your spouse, lover or 'good' friends. I know I'm jaded and I figure one of these days something will happen where I will have a much better outlook on it. But for now I'm delving into the darker recesses of my mind and livin g there.

cya laterz

Sex. I'm driven by this need. Sometimes I feel like a preditor even though I'm starving I pass up the weak and timid. It is the strong and wild I wish to devour, but I'm not a good enough hunter. A few years ago I fooled myself into thinking the most amazing sex would lead to a perfect relationship. I wrote poetry describing the spritual side of sex. Did I over dramatize it? I think so. I'm wondering if I'll ever have a relationship where love and sex collide. It makes me think because of the relationship I had with my ex-wife that I'm the one to blame. I must place too much importance on the thrill of making love.

Art. The ultimate expression of art when bodies slither into each other. Perfume and cologne scents mix while fingers tantalize bare skin. This is where I'm consumed by desire. I'm lost with the thought of what I want to experience. The touch, sounds and taste of sex drives me to go further than I've ever gone before, but yet I'm wondering if she is at the same place. This musing doesn't last very long because I'm too eager to explore her body. I don't want to be inhibited. Let me do what I want and you'll feel good. Yet there is an apprehension in her body. And while we continue down the same reliable path something in the back of my consciousness wonders what it would have been like if she would have been free.

Imagination is a wonderful thing. It is the only place where perfection is achieved. Life is full of imperfection. Smoothing it down to a workable solution seems all I ever do only to have to resurface. It leads me to believe that I'm not going to find this kind of situation unless I continue to dream it up. I guess it is why I strive to write. At least on paper it can't go too horribly wrong....

cya laterz

Chuck Norris. What is the freaking humor in this? If you haven't heard about the latest internet fad, check this site out. I can see a little bit of humor of this, but this is spreading around the 'Net faster than a virus. Well I'm beginning to believe this is becoming the new type of virus, but there isn't a software fix for it. I can't find a Chuck Norris setting on my firewall to block the stupid jokes.

Last Monday when I was at basketball, one of the guys started to spout the Chuckisms. I couldn't believe it. I suspect it will run its course like the pet rock did back in the day. I certainly hope so, because if this is what passes for humor these days, then I'm thinking our society is in sorry shape. Whatever happened to the good ol' days when Jim Carey talked out of his ass....Well maybe we've never been in great shape....

cya laterz

I'm sitting in a hotel in the middle of Wausau, WI. The HBO theme song blares in the background as it introduces the movie, "Ray". Its the third week in a row I've been up here. I have XML bouncing on my mind. Those stupid resolutions try to wedge there way into my conscious thought, but I beat them to a pulp becausae I'm too lazy to do anything about them. So I thought I'd open up my blog and blurp some things onto the vast Internet.

I often wonder if I have a ton more readers of this thing than I think. Not like I mind or not, but it wouldn't be cool that some strange idiot in Wisconsin has a large, secret reader base. I'm sure that isn't going to happen, but it is one of many happy thoughts that get me through the day.

Blips of happy thoughts to get through the day. Do you have these things that make your day go by? Like watching a beautiful woman walk by. You may not know her name, but her walk mesermizes your heart and the scent of perfume grasps your imagination by the balls and pulls you upwards. You don't get up, because they have laws about stalking. Its over as soon as it started.

These things get me through the day. And yet I'm left with a pastey taste in my mouth because those things just don't satisfy me. Guess I better go get a piece of chocolate cake.

cya laterz

I've had about three different kinds of posts in the past week or so, but they all seemed quite distressed and hokay. Death and hatred and how they related to little ol' me. I'm not going to be surprised if this post becomes a topic on one or both, but I've either resisted or didn't feel I had enough experience to speak about either one.

Take death for example, its not like I've died and I know what it is like so I can comment on it. Rather I've had the strange feelings (espicially at night) when it creeps up on me and I wonder what it will be like when I die. I have no memory of life before I was born (heck before I was 5 or 6), so what is it going to be when I die? There are many theories and beliefs about the afterlife so it is hard to understand which one to believe.

Then there is this whole thing about Hate. What makes a man(or woman) become so filled with raw hatred that they are willing to die for the cause? I guess if you view it in reverse we have young men and women dying for our country as well, but a rational person would realize the difference between the two. What makes a person strap on explosives and walk into a crowded area and denotate themselves to kill and wound as many innocent bystanders as they can? I can think of many other extreme examples like what drives someone to kill their spouse? It amazes me what people will do because they hate someone or something else.

cya laterz

It's January 3rd already! Where has this year gone?? Oh yeah that's right I've spent it watching Battlestar Galactica i'm hooked. I think its the best Sci-Fi show in forever. Yes my friends, geeks and nerds, I think it is better than even Star Trek (even the older NG shows).

Season three starts this Friday and I need to buy and watch season two before then. What ever am I going to do? I don't think I have the time and the end of season one almost made me wet my pants from surprise. I hope the writers continue with the clever plot developments and twists. I am pretty interested on how they explain a lot of things that has happened so far. Which of course is why I want to continue to watch it. I hope I'm not fed some bullshit story like the end of War of the Worlds.

Again happy fracking new year!

cya laterz