Wreckless driving...

For some reason, I went to my yahoo mailing address and I noticed I had joined many groups that I should not be joined too. No, it wasn't some computer virus that signed me up for them, but I willingly pushed the buttons to say, 'Yes I'll be a part of this.' I don't even remember when I did join them, but its all over now. Then I started to poke around some other groups. I don't know if they were wholesome and good for me, but much better than the previous ones.

Oh look creative writing. I wonder what goes on here. Oh hey, I could read other struggling writers and see how I compare. Maybe it might even inspire me to post. Or write. The horror of it all. (no pun about Holloween!) Lo and behold it has become truth. I posted something I wrote a few years ago, not really a story, but a scene I thought about. Most people 'liked it', but there was some major things missing (plot). I knew it wouldn't be golden, but it holds promise.

So I began to rewrite it. The characters had already been described. I knew what they were like, now I had to wrap it within a premise of a plot. Where something happens to them. And the funny thing is, I'm enjoying it.

Why? Because I got it in my thick skull that I need to do it for me. It used to be to impress someone, to make her think more about me and while that was the greatest feeling I ever had. It was all for naught. Now I do it because I have fun with it and the hell with everyone else. You either like it or don't. Of course I want people to like it, but I have to write it for myself and let those who read it decide and not put my hopes and aspirations into the judgement of those I am close too. Because no matter who that is, they are going to let you down in this area. SO you have to find a way to create something because YOU(me) wants too.

It seems simple and I've known this for many years. But it's like shifting a car from second gear to third and the stick won't quite catch into third. You can hear the grinding of the gears, the car loses power and you have to speed it back up again. Each time you do, your patience wears thin and you begin to think that this car will never get into gear. And its clear that you can't be satisified with second, but what's the point of trying for third. Then when you react and don't think about it, the stick slides into gear and you begin to go faster. You realize what you did, but you're not sure how it happened. Now its time to enjoy the ride.

cya laterz

Happiness Pill

I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.
I want to be a writer. I want to develop creative content.

So according to affirmation, or as Scott Adams says, "The idea behind affirmations is that you simply write down your goals 15 times a day and somehow, as if by magic, coincidences start to build until you achieve your objective against all odds."

"Viewed in this light, if you can write a goal 15 times a day for months, there’s a good chance that some part of your brain views the goal as achievable even if your rational mind doesn’t see how."

I can see how this works. If you tell yourself something enough you'll start to believe it. I've had many ideas in the past couple of weeks, but they all seem soft. And that's been my story (attitude) for the past few years. I really don't know how good my ideas really are and if they are worth doing. Some of these things will take up a majority of my time and I'd feel like a fool if they flop out. I guess I'm getting old and trying to apply wisdom before rash decision making.

Content is King. And I feel like most of my stuff have a great first step, but no staying power. Sounds like a bad episode of sex, huh? Anyways how does one overcome the thought of failure to invest his/her heart into projects that may or may not fail. Where can they find trust within themselves to carry on. Funny thing is I used to have that and life has taken its toil and I've lost it.

Why is it that I need someone to validate it? And when I do have someone, why am I scared to ask for that validation? Failure? I used to think negative thoughts would propel me into action, now it seems I agree with people. How do I turn that around? Do I need someone to cheer me on? Is that what it takes to become successful? Or do I have to find my own inner strength and those around me will accept it and not only support me, but allow me to succeed. Should I be asking for it? Is it their responsability to spurn you on or is it your own?

I know it is your own. But situations can affect your thoughts. If you are not happy with conditions in your life, how can you be motivated to do much of anything? How much energy can you find when hell seems like a viable option? How do you push through the crap, make yourself happy in any situation and carry on with your dreams? I wonder if there is a pill available for that.

cya laters

Podcasting...

I wanted to write a quick note about an idea or two I've had. I'm thinking about doing a podcast and possibly starting a videocast with someone else. The details are still in the planning stages, but I'm seriously thinking about it. I'd more behind the scenes, I might do the audio for the podcast, but I would for sure not be infront of the camera for the videocast.

Just need to start it...I've got the first show for the podcast mapped out. Just need a couple more ideas to fill in the gaps.

cya laterz

Poking a Finger in Your Face

Dreams, hopes and goals the triunal god of fantasy. But is it really fantasy? I'm not talking about a god that you worship or idolize, but one that covets enough of your attention that it can affect the way you live your life.

But another god seeks to destroy Fantasy. The god of failure, complacency and laziness or in these terms, called Doubt. Doubt and Fantasy are the polar ends of the spectrum and even when Fantasy rules, Doubt is crouched ready to cast apphrensions upon your success until they become shadows in your mind. These two gods battle for your inner quest to achieve your place in this world. Complex or simple these things are what you do with your life. This war lasts your lifetime no matter which stage of completition you are in. If Steven Spielberg decides to give up after Indiana Jones, we would have never had Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, and a plethora of other movie classics. He conqueres Doubt on a daily basis so Fantasy can succeed. It would be interesting to know what types of demons, Doubt casts upon his soul.

It is revelant to me that we never give up, but the question is how we begin to tread this path of resistance. Because Doubt is there at our every turn. And then you realize it isn't a communal epthity, but a quest each much decide for themselves. Fantasy succeeds when we take each moment and cherish it for what has been given to us.

We need to shun the cloaks of our own heresy and forbid the old ways. The old ways have not been working for us! We can watch others succeed and mutter what lucky son's of bitches they are, but in all reality, Doubt has ruled our lives. And Doubt my friends enjoys sitting on your chest and poking its finger into your face. Your belief in Doubt makes you the loser, not the fact he resides in you.

And in the end it is up to me. To stand up and be accountable for my actions, my decisions and my success or failure because at my dying breath one of these two gods will have won and all I know it is not up to them to decide, but me.

cya laterz

Treadmill

Fortitude is something missing from my life. One could argue the opposite, but I'm not seeing it. Times have been hard over the past few months in almost every area of my life. It makes me wonder how I can finish the race standing up. I never understood those that said life's race gets old at the end. And now with age I start to see why.

At every turn it seems impossible to carry on. Another problem to solve, another crisis to figure out or plain disappointment in my life. I cling onto the good stuff, but are like fireflies and they blink and vanish before I get to catch them.

My eldest son enlisted in the Army. For the past few years he has stuggled. Friends led him down a path of distruction and it all ended when work caught him. Left without a job and really hope of doing anything he turned towards the Army with the promise of being able to go to school afterwards. It took a while for him to get in, with his partying issues, but in late August he was sent to Fort Sill, OK to begin basic.

I've spoken to him once on the phone since that time. So its been hard for me to know what is going on, his mother and I compare conversations so we can understand how he is doing. He hasn't gone AWOL and it seems my boy is turning into a man down there. Which I had hoped would happen.

My daughter has discovered barrel racing. As a ten year old, she competes against teenagers and does quite well. While she isn't winning every race, the 'professionals' tell her that they see a lot of promise in her. She continues to reduce her time and more importantly she loves to ride on her horse.

She is also a very smart girl. Last month she took an achievement test at school and she was one of three to score above 95%. This means that she can earn a trip to Univeristy of Colorado for a week if she passes the next series of tests. If she does well it could also mean inclusion into a group called TAG (talented and gifted).

And yet these remarkable achievements of my kids are being done without me. This tells me a lot.

My personal life is in shambles. Work is okay, but slow so that always puts stress on life. And all of this makes me feel sorry for myself. I do a good job of that it seems. The stupid thing is that I know I'm doing something counter-productive, but I can't stop doing it. I get in stupid arguements because I'm selfish or I want something more than someone can give. And I expect it. But am I giving enough of myself to warrant such a behavior? I don't think so.

My goals fell apart long before my birthday and I'm still not even close in succeeding any of them. I was out of town the whole month of July, gone every weekend doing things and when I did find time to myself, it seemed like work rather than enjoyment.

Wow. Work rather than enjoyment. That sums my life up in a nutshell. I get very little enjoyment out of life anymore. I don't even know where to start to search for it. And yet, there are so many signs in my mental images to show me where and when I have missed it.

I think about the "Jetson's" opening when George is running on the treadmill and it gets starts to go faster and he yells, "Jane! Get me off this crazy thing!" I have no voice to yell, but I stumble along trying to keep up, hoping it will slow down. Sometimes I get scared that I might just jump off, but I don't think that is going to save me. It would only cause more problems.

cya laterz