Wow

I can't believe that it is almost December and I haven't posted in like forever. I doubt anyone checks this site anymore. I mean would I, if I didn't expect it to be updated at least once in a while? Probably not. I guess life makes it difficult to keep doing this. It isn't that I don't want too, but so much time is put into doing the responsibility kind of things that by the end of the day, I'm not wanting to think much.

Still it isn't an excuse. I'm bad at keeping this I suppose. All the good intentions would be the catch phrase I would use to describe it, but still it isn't enough. You've got to do it.

I'd really would like to start writing seriously again. But that isn't going to happen any time soon I fear. I've have a regular job once again that demands 45 or so hours a week, plus I'm still doing my own company on the side which is getting busy again. Right now I've been averaging about 70ish hours a week. It gets pretty exhausting. My brain wants to turn off and do stupid things like play the 360, Lotro or even Wow. I've given up on WoW since I really can't compete with raiding and stuff. I'm looking forward to Conan-online but who knows about that.

I should go. I'd promise to write more, but who are we kidding. I'll try not to be so distant. I miss all of you who have read this. I wish we could talk on a regular basis. If you have an IM name send it to me and I'll look for you. I have it on @ work.

cya laterz
moi

Whew...

Life has been hell these past few months.
I've been working steady 60 hour weeks since Labor Day. Two weeks ago I had to scramble around for some Packers (Football tickets) for my son and I to attend a game. And then this past weekend I had to get the house ready for a going to Iraq party for him. That meant repainting most of the house and steam cleaning the floors.

It was all worth it. About 25-30 people showed to send him off. He deploys at the end of next month. Its strange to see my grown son going through all of this stuff. It uses to be that many of his memories I shared with him. Since he has been in the Army for the past year and a bit, he has so many experiences I can't really relate too since I've never been in that situation.

Its weird how they get older how much they are the same child you've always known, but they are growing into their own selves even more so as they venture into this huge world.

All of this has eaten up most of my life. I still carry the same issues: Not enough sex...need more sex...want more sex...and I sometimes just want to fuck. But those are standard issues you've all read before. I think I'm a bit crazy in that department. I was thinking about this the other day about how the simplest of things can really turn me on. I often wonder if it is as common with other men.

The way a woman smells can really drive me wild. Not just perfume, but the usual scent they prefer. I believe researchers relate it back to memory, but damn it gets me wild. I love the softness of a woman's skin. Its almost like silk. My hand can brush up against her arm or leg and I've gone from 0 to 60 in the amount of time my hand starts touching until my brain realizes how soft she is. Sometimes its the way she says my name or the glint in her eyes. And as I've been reminded by many, a small breeze from the south can get me going. I guess it doesn't take me much.

TTFN
cya,
laterz

The End of Summer

I've been doing some thinking lately. Hey! I saw that collective eye roll. I know that I over analyze my life, but who else's life should I think about? I do think about my kids and other people, but when you have the quiet moments in life and you wonder, what the hell am I doing? It is all about you, baby.

I've been in those type of moods lately. I listened to a radio show about creating goals for your life. You know the kind of thing that makes you list out what you would like to accomplish before you die. I started my list and I hope by the end of the weekend I have compiled a significant list of the things I either want to do, be or get before I become too old or die to realize them. Studies have shown (sorry no link and too lazy to find) that creating goal lists do help you focus on what you want to do. Some people think they are full of shit. I think it is good to have your eye on the prize and realize what you are trying to attain. By attaining that 'goal' I would think your life would become more fulfilling.

This summer has been pretty boring. I usually spend summers doing many things. This summer I've either been short on cash or short on time. This weekend is going to be a simple summary of this summer. I'm going to the ren-faire on Saturday, but I have to be back in town that night. I'm also not really going to have the money nor the time to do what I would really want. Which again has summed up my summer.

Yes I do read and appreciate all the comments. It makes me feel good a few people out there read my drivel from time to time.

cya laterz
moi

Birthday Suicide

It is that time of year...another year older, but I often wonder if I'm getting any wiser. I still enjoy many of the things of my youth, but now my time is consumed by responsibility. I hate that word. Not that I don't mind working, paying bills, and etc. But life usually consists of dealing with money. I get sick of it.

Money then becomes such an issue that every other area of life becomes affected. When you don't have enough money, how can you pay for those lap dances at the club? Er...I didn't say that out loud did I?

Yet the day approaches and I'm often thinking about my death instead of life. Not that I assume I'm going to die nor am I planning too (despite the title of this post). What am I not doing that I want to do? Right now my life is consumed by work and the lack of sex. Yes, if I don't have sex daily, I consider it a lack of sex. Not only am I deprived I'm depraved as well.

What then is the meaning of my life? I'm at a loss for what that means to me. My kids? Writing? Or simply enjoying what I have and not worrying about what I'm missing out on?

BTW: My son found out he is getting deployed to Iraq on Nov 24th. He is going to Baghdad. He says he is coming home for about 10 days or so in October. I'm really nervous about it.

cya laterz

Dreaming...

Last night, I didn't sleep all that well. I had the weirdest dreams about two women and manufacturing of some pipe product. I'm sure there is some Freudian statement to be said about that last sentence, but I will let it pass.

One of the things which struck me was they were prostitutes. A blond and a raven haired beauties, but remarkable in that they were very skinny and wore white underwear. The blond girl showed them to me at every opportunity she got. The act of sex cost me $75, but I never really dreamed of the actual act. I did often think about it and how tight her panties stretched across her butt and pussy. I envisioned a lot of camel toe.

Every time I woke up I was excited. Nothing I could do about it and felt very frustrated. When I drifted back to sleep, the dream continued. I worked at a place that manufactured some sort of pipe and I came up with a new product. I hired these girls to help produce it, but they only wanted to work because they wanted to be near me. Everything had a sexual connotation.

I think the dream really means that I'm a pervert and all I do is think about sex.

Some people think that is a bad thing...I'm not sure yet.

cya laterz

Icky Poo

I know its almost been a month since my last post. I haven't felt so keen about posting. In truth I haven't had much to look forward too except for issues and problems.

I'm seriously thinking of giving up my software business. This is going to kill me. I know I can do the work, its just that work is too far and few between right now. In the past six months, every time I feel like I have landed a large contract, it either drags on forever or the interest vanishes.

I've been approved for a large contract this month, ($40,000 or so) and another $4,000 in July. I might have another job worth around $10,000 in the next few weeks. And the proposal I did in Feb/March with the company in Florida is still up in the air. That would be worth around $20,000. If...and that is a big IF they all came in this week I'd be saved. Of course I'd need another potential customer or two in the next month or so to start the long process as well. It seems to take a year to get anything big going. The smaller jobs are nice, but only if I have other means of income coming along the way.

I feel like I'm losing everything and I can't grab onto one specific thing. Nothing is exempt from my life as far as confusion and utter hopelessness is concerned. I often feel like I make one mistake after the other trying to fix it. It seems as if I clean up the shit in one room only to track into the rest of the house.

I wonder what I should do. I can't even think straight any more. I don't even know who to talk to get my head on straight. I thought things were supposed to be easier as you get older. It gets worse...at least for me. I'm tired of myself and the decisions I make. And now I put off making decisions and it is hurting me.

cya laterz

Threequels

This summer boasts many returns to the big screen in part three of who knows how many. Last night I saw the first of the many blockbusters that are due out this summer, Spidey 3. I have a mixed reaction to the movie. I think it dragged on a bit playing out the whole Mary Jane and Peter Parker relationship, but it was neat to see that in the end the three friends were together.

I also have to be reminded that it is based on a comic book. Sometimes trying to be too true to the comic can make it corny at times. I cringed at some of the other actors in the movie. Especially when the news team gave 'live' reports.

The guy who plays Sandman got buff for the movie. I remember him on Wings a LONG time ago and he was pretty scrawny. He has some muscle in his arms for this movie. Then again it could be visually enhanced.

All in all I didn't feel cheated for the money I paid. It wasn't the be all, end all movie, but it was a good time. And the humor they added from time to time helped as well although I did like the 'bad' Peter Parker than the overly nice guy. Heh.

Shriek 3 and Pirates is coming out yet this month. I'm really looking forward to Pirates and if the trailer they played was any indication, the audience applauded for it. I think that's going to be the 'BIG' movie this summer. That is if they can pull it off. We are thinking of dressing up in our pirate duds for that movie. Although I don't know if I can sit in a movie seat with my sword stretched out in front of me. (Quiet you with the dirty minds!)

cya laterz
moi

The price of life

What is the price of a human life? Do the residents of a certain country or culture assume to value life higher than another? When the tragic events at Virgina Tech rippled through this country we were all shocked and horrified that someone could be that insane to do something so terrible. As a nation we were outraged that one man could kill over thirty people and injure a couple of dozen of others. We wanted answers, justice and the ability to stop anyone else that might attempt such a heinous act again.

Yet in other parts of the world, war, famine and other senseless acts of violence happen on a daily basis. When we read that over three hundred people died in a car bombing or thousands of people in Africa are getting slaughtered for their heritage or beliefs we yawn, turn the channel to see what the weather will be like and sip on our coffee. But in the back of our minds we really wonder if gas prices are going up again.

We can't get involved, its not our country or our people, so its not our problem. However, when that country has natural resources we can exploit use, we are eager to pony up money, manpower and all the rest of our resources to make it right. No matter which side of the political fence you sit upon it should make you sick that people are persecuted for a variety of reasons.

We try to teach our children to do the right thing. In a household with many children, you expect the older kids to lead by example, but what nation is leading by example in our world today? It isn't about doing the right thing, it is all about protecting interests. Treating people with respect and dignity is clearly towards the bottom of our list of priorities. Watching innocent people suffer and die is okay because it is none of our business.

Hotel Rwanda
The Last King of Scottland

Watch these two movies back to back and then go to any of your favorite news sites cnn.com, foxnews.com, msnbc.com and check the world news. Somewhere in the world some extreme act of violence has taken place. There are THOUSANDS of acts of violence towards humanity going on that are NOT getting reported. Check this out happening in North Korea (link may go underground soon). People are persecuted for race, religion and anything else because someone in power doesn't like that about them.

We Americans think we have evolved as a society. Social rights have been extended to many Americans and we often scorn those who deny liberties to minorities. Yet still some things have yet to become obsolete. Check this link out about a school in Georgia. We have not gone very far in this country to think we can ignore the events in the rest of the world. We offer the same injustices, the same prejudices and the same hatred for one another. Its no wonder we don't care what happens to people thousands of miles away when our own people are treated with disrespect.


cya laterz
moi

The Life

I learned something last week about my writing over the past couple of weeks. Idea driven stories suck. I also realize I'm in too much of a hurry to get my work "seen" and I lose a lot of details when I do that.

For my next project I'm thinking I need to find someone who I can write about and write his or her story. Imagining a scene and then trying to introduce the characters leaves the plot and the emotion flat.

This brings me to my next topic, I usually know what is 'right' or 'wrong' with my stories when I post/give them to people to read. When I get honest feedback I rarely get a criticism or an atta boy that I didn't expect. It is my job then to pour over the items I already know are weak and fix them. Often I'm in such a hurry to be 'read' that I don't take the time to fix these and other minor things and the story falls flat before it really has a chance.

So I need to make the resolve of slowing down and dissecting each line in my post-edit mode. One thing I have often read is that I should let the story sit for a few weeks and then go back and reread/edit it. It become fresher and I'm not caught up in the emotion of writing it. I don't tend to do that because of my limited amount of work. The idea then is to get into a cycle of writing. Where I would write a short story, put it aside for a while and then start a new story. Maybe after I wrote the next story or two go back and edit the first one. Write another story then edit the second one and then polish the first one again. This process would accomplish tow things for me. Writing more and producing quality work when I do throw it to the wolves, er readers.

On a side note, thank God it is spring. We had a taste of it a couple of weeks ago, but then it turn cold and snowy. After a couple of weeks of miserable weather, the last few days have been beautiful.

cya laterz
me

Teleport, Inc.

Edited for content

Idea

In the next couple of days (depending on work), I'm going to write a short story and post it here. It won't revolve around sexual content. To be honest I'm not sure what it is about, I want to write something more than proposals and half-thought out journal entries.

I have a start to it so some of it is reality and not just talk. If you are interested, please keep an eye on the blog and I'll post as soon as I can.

In other news...

Tommy is back from the Army and in town. He looks quite fit and in control of himself. Although he has been militarized. He has a couple of tattoos on each of his arms. Nothing spectacular, but he likes them and they will cover with a short sleeve shirt so when he gets out he can get a job without scaring anyone. Heh.

He gets deployed in Fort Polk, LA at the end of his leave. He seems to be enjoying his time off without someone telling him what he is supposed to be doing every minute of the day.

Otherwise life is going on pretty good. I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with him, because there is a real possibility he will get sent to the Middle East soon. I think we might try to see Grind House tomorrow night. Not sure yet.

Cya laterz

Aftermath

Friday arrived and I was sweating. I still had work to do. I cashed a check and went to the Nail place to give them a colored envelope for her next clue. Then it was off to Red Lobster, the mall and to the men's department at JC Penny's. I figured I was pretty safe there in case she made a detour in the schedule.

Then I went and bought her bike. Yes it was a Trek. I still miss working there...a lot. Anyways by the time I caught up with her that evening she was a nervous wreck. It seems that the Nail place took two hours to do her hands and feet. It threw the schedule in a hectic spin. They pulled it out and we arrived in the parking lot where we had first kissed.

Dinner was excellent, we went to a Greek restaurant and then off to a wonderful hotel where I spent an hour decorating. She surprised me by wearing a silky nightgown underneath her dress. We had an excellent night and then when we woke up we continued to make love.

It was one of the most satisfying love-making sessions I've ever had with her. She is apprehensive about sex, like most women she's had some bad experiences and it has taught her to close me out at times. Saturday morning she started to pull that, don't do that. Please....Just go inside me. But I didn't let it happen. I placed a bit of warming lotion on her, breathed soft and it was like magic. Her legs parted as my tongue tasted the tip of her clit. Soon after she reached down and spread her lips for me so I could get better access. When she participates, sex with her is so awesome.

The day continued. We met her friends for lunch, went to the book store and then watched, "Blades of Glory." Heh. She isn't into that humor to much, but she had to admit there were some really funny scenes. Will Ferrel has come into his own as a leading man. It used to be when he'd be in a movie he'd be way over the top.

I've been wanting a iPod/MP3 player for a long time. I broke down and bought this.

I think I have over 4 gigs of music on it. I spent last night ripping CD's and copying MP3s onto it. My biggest problem is how I want to organize them as playlists. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Heh. Or maybe I'll just have one big play list that will never run out. Guess I'll have to buy more cds!!!

I have more things, but I'll wait. Need to run to the store.

cya
laterz

Birthday

Its her birthday. So I cooked up something fun and good for her.
She has no idea what to expect. I've written a couple of notes for her to read, but all they do is hint at how much fun she will have. Nothing. No one knows what is going on.

When she wakes up she will get ready for the day. On the table she will find an envelope. Her best friend will guide her through the day (with video camera). When she opens the letter she will find a note telling her where she is supposed to go. When she gets there, she will enjoy the 'package' and at its end, she will receive another colored envelope telling her where she should proceed to next.

1. Full Body Massage
2. Manicure and Pedicure
3. Red Lobster (she will share an appetizer with her friend).
4. Mall - At the service desk she will receive another card telling her to get something naughty and nice along with a gift card.
5. Ice Cream Parlor within mall (after 1.5 hours or so)
6. New Trek Bike (her big gift no hints)
7. Home to put on "Nice" clothes
8. Meets me at the spot where we had our first kiss.

The rest of the evening includes us going to the restaurant where we had our first date. Then we will retire to a suite at a hotel with a whirlpool. I will of course will decorate the room before hand with lots of birthday/romantic gestures. I hope she got something naughty!

I hope I can pull this off. I hope she has fun.

cya laterz

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."

Fear. It grips me like a predator clutching its prey. I can scream, thrash and carry on about how I hate it, but it keeps it's jaws implanted into my thoughts. For as long as I can remember I've never been able to handle its effect on me. From the time when I was a child until even now. Sometimes I don't even know I'm afraid until after I missed the event.

For me, fear comes in many shapes and sizes. It can be as simple as a fear of heights, flying or someone who I feel has power over me. It tends to make me back down, become passive-aggressive and wilt from the things I want to do or enjoy. Thus I continue to conclude that I do not handle my fears very well.

A month or so ago I heard about a book called, Unleash the Warrior Within. Now I'm not a huge promoter of self-help books, but the interview on the radio got me thinking that I could really understand and use this book to help me accomplish the things in my life. So I bought it last week.

Right now I'm to about page 90. And I have to say that I'm impressed. If you check the book out, you have to realize the author is an ex-Navy SEAL. He started his own form of martial arts and everything has a military edge to it. He doesn't talk down or make you examine the way you are, rather he is giving advice on how to change your life so you can focus on the things you want and thus make you happy.

Fear is a nasty weapon in both physical and emotional states. Somehow I have to overcome my fears so I can produce the life I really want, because I know I'm letting it slip away.

****************************************

Its been a tough week, I've been through a lot of shit both good and bad. I know a few people pop in and out of this blog and it makes me happy to see a few do stay in touch to see what I'm up too. I've struggled with what I should be putting on here. It tends to be a personal journal entry rather than informative, entertainment or whatever else pass for blogs these days. So I'm often reluctant to post since it turns into a lethargic entry about what I'm dealing with in my head.

Thanks for dropping in Kat and Etain. I have to admit that I can't place exactly who you are Etain, but I'd like to find out. Anyways if you do drop by from time to time and want me to post more, let me know. If not no worries.

cya laterz
moi

Hot English Tea anyone?

Life has tasted like a used tea bag dunked in lukewarm water. It hasn't been all that bad, but then again, life hasn't offered me anything new and unusual.

Have you ever mentally mapped out your life by your decisions and actions. I'm not talking about using Google maps. If I would have done this or had handled that situation better, I would not be where I am today. Where is a relative term, it could mean location, but I really mean your emotional state. Hell it could even be spiritual. Pun intended!

I seem to battle with all three aspects of my being. I've come to realize how I fear rejection. I have one or two reactions. The desire to have someone/thing is so overwhelming I chase it away or I realize it can't be mine so I hide within myself. I've always been an all or nothing sort of guy. The problem with my approach is I find most times I end up with nothing.

Over my life I have found that I have let things slip through my fingers because of my absence, not because of my aggression. ("It's better to burn out then fade away.") I feel defeated when things don't go my way. Any form of rejection slides me into a reclusive attitude. This is not good when dealing with relationships.

Women don't want a man who crackles under pressure. Melancholy is not a sexy attribute. Do I become introverted because how she is treating me or is she treating me because I crawl into my own head? Probably a bit of both, since nothing is always black and white. But my reactions helps propel this circular cycle. It then becomes where I must become mentally tough and rise above these things and realize that rejection (a broad term of how I feel I'm being treated) and continue to treat women with a sense of passion and confidence I display when I first met them.

Maybe a slower start would help make it last longer. (No not sex you perverts!) Pace myself through the relationship so that I've not extinguished my fervor. But keep the fire burning at an easier temperature so that we both feel warm and fuzzy inside.

All in all, I think I need to do a better job of paying attention to her rather than myself. If I do a better job of that, then I will reap the benefits I want. It really does become that simple, the hard part is putting yourself aside and trying to reach into that pretty heart of theirs and sensing what will really make them happy.

Laugh a lot more!

cya laterz
moi