New Years Resolution

Writing...Why does it seem to have a stopping point for me? I think I have a mental breakdown when it comes to finishing a project. Maybe it is my nature to avoid finishing something. Sometimes at work I can't produce until there is a bunch of pressure to get it done and then I work my ass off. When I don't feel pressure I submerge myself with time wasting functions. Why don't I focus on the things that would be more productive to me? There's so much I'd rather do, yet I shove it off to the side so my time is wasted by innane activities that don't get me where I want to go. *sigh*

This next year I'm going to strive to become more productive in my hobbies. (Video game playing is not a hobby!) Of course this means putting more time into my story-telling and other creative pursuits. I'm going to have to make a schedule and stick to it. I'll still leave myself room to indulge in some othe things I enjoy, but I'd rather force myself to enjoy why I came to this planet. I know some people think I came to consume mass quantities of food, air and other renewable resources, but in fact I want to leave something behind rather than my children. You never know how they might turn out. Heh.

Okay then. I'm gonna do it. Who is with me on this? Bah, you guys don't care. As you are reading this I'm standing next to you. (The magic of writing - time travel) I peer over your shoulder (trying hard not to look down your shirt (if you are female) and I whisper in your ear. Yes I am going to do this dammit. I want to do this. And the only person who has been stopping me has been me. So as you shake your head, sigh and then mutter, "Haven't I heard this before?" Well maybe you have, but this time I'm gonna do it.

One day, I'm going to be on Leno talking about my writing projects....I've seen it. And you'll all be saying, remember when blogging was the fad on the 'net? I used to read his....I didn't think he'd make it, but he did....(insert your own followup comments in your head).

Or maybe I'll write for Penthouse Forums....I wonder what they pay these days.....

Have a great New Year's Eve and have a wonderful year. I think I might get a bit drunk tonight... Don't writers make great drunks...or is it great writing requires drinking???

cya laterz

Last night I walked into Best Buy. In my defense I was not looking for it, but like the star in the east it appeared. The xbox360 appeared in a customer's arms as they left the store. I approached the pimple faced kid in the game section and I asked, "Please sir, may I have another?" Why yes Bob, you've been a pretty good boy (I think he over looked the porn) this year, I have one left. Would you like it?"

If you don't know, Xbox 360's are the bawm this year. If you check Ebay out you can see they can go for a pretty penny. Our BestBuy store received 6 yesterday. I shivered with delight and not thinking about how I might afford such an expensive gift I nodded because I couldn't speak. The clerk spun me around to the games, oh which ones should I get as I drooled about how the games would look on my 60" HD TV. I about cried when he extended it forward and it was placed in my own arms. I hpe I have time for other things now.

Check out Flock. It will be a new browser here soon with some really neat features.

Also check out this site Delicious For real web surfing power. I don't have an account there yet, but I plan too.

cya laterz

Christmas...

Its about that time of year again I suppose. Over the past few years it takes a lot more to get into the spirit of the season. I'm not sure if it is because people expect me to buy them gifts or that I wait until the last possible moments to start buying the gifts. Most of it all seems pretty assine to me. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy getting loved ones things they want, but can't afford to get for themselves. The problem is that I want to be creative and original and get that perfect gift. When you ask them what they want so you can have clue about what they are thinking about you get the standard response, "I don't know."

Exasperated you delve deeper into the conversation. "I suppose I could always use a new pair of shoes." Shoes? Oh my goodness! I can't wait to see their face when they open that shoebox up and find out that yes Virgina it is a pair of shoes. Joy to the world and all that jazz. I'll sit back and feel smug that I was able to choose the one thing they told me they wanted.

The art of gift giving is more than that I believe. Sure you can take a list of things they want, mark them off as you buy them as watch as they glee over each item they asked for, but where is the sanity in that? Why not give them x amount of dollars and let them buy it themselves? It takes more than that for me to get in the mood of buying gifts, but even then I fail at my own spirit of gift giving espicially when I'm low on time. To me its finding out what thing(s) a person is into and then finding gifts that really compliment them and yet things they may not be able to find themselves or realize is available to them. If you love the person, I think it is worth the time and trouble to find those perfect gifts...

Two quick side notes. One I'm working on a new format for my twizzlesticks site so I can dynamically load the pages into the book so it is faster to add content, but I'm not sure when I'm going to have that done. Secondly, I've actually started a new story, I hope I will have enough effort to complete it.

cya laterz

I've never been close to my family. In my youth, it seemd quite together and I remember many family functions, holidays and such where many of the tribe would get together. I can't point to specific points in my history to determine where it broke down, but there are a few instances where I know it deterated to the point where I no longer function with either side of my family. Be that as it may, I live isolated from my mom and father. To be honest both of them are nut jobs and I'd rather not try to sort things out because I'm afraid of what that will lead too. My father doesn't give a shit and my mom is the typical white trash trailer living woman who now probably can't stand up for two minutes without having to take a break from the strenous exercise she has exerted.

All this leads up to a weird dream I had last night. I don't normally dream. Sometimes I 'make-up' scenes and play them like movies, but I direct them as much as visualize them. Anyways, for some reason my previous best friend, "Tom" was visiting me. He came with someone, but it wasn't my ex-wife. Before we began a round of golf, we gathered along a large table and we spoke about people we has missed. Everyone knew my grandfather and I stood up and gave my account of what his life was like to me. I touched on a couple of points, but I was in a hurry to go. Tom (who hates sports) glared at me as we shuffled off to the cars to head to the course. For some reason, I doubled back and began to speak about my Nana. Although she wasn't related to me by blood, we developed a keen relationship and she treated me as her own. I broke down and cried.

Tom snubbed me (as he is doing now in RL) for the rest of the time. I find myself often wondering about him. Then the alarm woke me up.

I know it has to do with closure and all that psycho-babel b.s., but I don't understand why Tom was involved. I do miss him a ton. There are few people in your life that you bond with so well it makes your soul ache when they are not around. I guess I ache a bit, but in the past few years that feeling has become quite commonplace inside me. I have tried to mend the bridge, but he has written me off. I don't blame him. I only miss him.

cya laterz

Some day when I grow up I wanna be a ....

During my twenties that became my theme phrase. Over time I gravitated to computers and programming, which I've taught myself ninety percent. I've made a decent living over the past decade or so and now with my business I can really see the potential. Of course I also see how I can be downgraded and out of business as well.

But the edge I've been walking has really nothing about how I'm suppose to make money to feed my dependants. (I love the buggers!) It is that vibe I've been feeling all my life. It isn't about me deciding what I want to be, but rather acting upon my instincts and saying to hell with it. I'm gonna do what I wanna do, I want to create something. I've often been steered (moo?) towards writing. Something I really enjoy since I can't draw shit. (Turds are very messy and I just can't capture their essence.)

I wonder if I have a voice for podcasting? I wonder if I could come up with material on a weekly basis for a consistant podcast. I'd think about doing video, but I'd have to direct something since I'd scare viewers away I'm sure. (ooo pron!) The point is, would doing a podcast be something I would enjoy? I dunno. Back in the day when I'd try to woo women, I'd make tapes. Cutting songs, sound bites and such together to get a 'feeling' across to whoever I was aiming it towards. (See the movie High Fidelity) I thought I was pretty good at it. But most important, I had fun.

My last effort flopped. Not because of quality, but because of delivery. I created a three part opera with humor, romance and spice. Something you'd probably only want to hear once, giggle and then be on with life unless it was directed to you. Other than a few people in the inner circle, I don't think there would be much call for something like that. So I'm left to wonder what I would do...

Then the idea struck me. One of my many problems is the inability to make a decision of what I want to create. Even when I'm writing, most of my problems come from trying to be absolute genius when I can't be. I know it might be disappointing to hear from some, but I can't compete with my inner self. The is idea is to turn off this internal editor and have fun. With everything. Writing, splicing, playing or whatever I'm trying to do so that I can be creative and have fun with it. Then expose to the world and say, "Fuck you. I did this and you'll either like it, hate it or don't give a shit." And dear reader, it is up to me to be fine with however it is received. As long as I'm content on what I produced was fun. The point being is that I need to be able to appriciate what I can do.

I think that is why artists often have large eogs. They stick themselves out there and don't allow anyone to deflate them. Even when something goes wrong, it is their ability to pick themselves up and try again. Those that can't fade away into the distant memories of one-hit wonders.

Now....how can I cause trouble.

seeya laterz

Hell week

Yep that is what it has been. Monday limped in like a lamb, but since I knew I had to travel, this week had its own dangerous curves ahead. It didn't help that I awoke at 3am on Tuesday morning running into the bathroom. By the time the alarm was supposed to sound, I found myself looking at myself in the mirror. Do I call the company and reschedule or suck it up and wade through the day feeling as I do? The face in the mirror only wanted to go back to bed. A small man in his stomach flipped over and over on the trapeze. The glimmer of water in the toliet caught his attention. Maybe if I forced a purge all would be better and the annoying man inside would fly out and leave my stomach alone. Should I shove a finger to the back of my throat? Would I feel better if I did so? The answers to these questions are not blowing in the wind my friend, but surged upwards without any finger probbing to the back of my throat.

With a grunt and a heave, a gush of stale dew and other chunks of partially digested food flew threw my mouth and nose. Not once or twice, but three times as I hung onto the edges of the white bowl that had earlier served as my thrown for almost two hours. Horrible. Now fluid squirted out of both orafices of my body. With nothing else left in my system, I staggered back to the sink and doused my face with clean water. I cleaned myself up, brushed my teeth a few times and considered myself feeling better.

I'll spare more of the gorey details of the next couple of days, but let me say they let me go to the hotel early on Tuesday. It is now Thursday afternoon, I'm back home and I'm still feeling green around the edges. I have wierd pains where I shouldn't and every once in a while I become light headed and don't want to even think of the consquences if it were to continue.

Work is piling up as companies are gearing for the end of the year. November was busy in a non-payment sort of way while December through Feb is looking thrice as busy and I'll be able to invoice people for it as well. The worst time to be sick.

Today I was able to accomplish some things, but in reality I didn't want to be here. For the sake of my sanity, I'm really hoping I feel better so I can be less stressful about the holidays and get ahead with work.

Otherwise...I'm me being me. How about you?

outta here