Funny how a week passes these days and you don't even realize it. I often get distracted with innane things that I often forget about all the things I want to do. Sometimes these things aern't quite innane, but keeps me busy with life. Since it was Tommy's birthday last week I kept myself busy running around and with a fwe other added events I found I didn't have much time for myself and the blog was something that had to go. Work has been busy so I haven't been able to take a bite of time out and update this until today. And even now I feel a bit guilty about it.

Writing...In my mind I hear things I want to write, sentences, scenes, characters and the like, but I've been unable to get them down on paper. Sometimes I feel everything is like a tug-o-war and I give up and do the easiest thing. Then I remark to my own conscious how much of an idiot I am for not doing it. Sigh. Then there are times I wish I had that someone near me who believed in me so much she would literally hassle me. But in reality no one else can make me do anything, it all comes down to me doing it. It is hard. Not the act of writing, but the acceptance of what I write to myself. Is this the best I can do and usually I find I tell myself no and give up. Yet I hear other people tell me how wonderful it is, but then fade into the shadows. I don't blame them. My life isn't worth drawing words out onto paper or maybe I haven't found exactly what I want to say. In either case I've made no bonds with anyone so close that my talent keeps them going on a daily basis, because of that I often wonder if I do have the talent. Isn't that arrogant? Or self-pity? Yeah I know, scream at me to stop whining and either write or not. It isn't really about that you know. Yes I believe I have a semblance of talent to get things into print, but that really isn't my goal at this point. Sharing...my soul. Extreme passion spilled from my heart to the page into someone's mind and then ingested into her soul. What wonderful fantasies I have...some better than others, huh?

me

Wow it has been a while since I've posted here. Maybe because I've been procastinating with my own writing and too ashamed to say anything here about it. I've created a couple of poems, but they don't make much sense. I think they are too oblique for anyone but myself. Life seems humdrum, but I'm busy. Go figure. I really need to write more often, but I'm usually wondering what the point is, no one wants to hear it. *sigh*

I finished Hobb's first book. It was good. A lot more political debate than I realized, but I enjoyed it. It makes me wonder how a writer keeps all that straight. I'm thinking it is an illusion and that the twists and turns come up while she/he writes the first draft. I think that is how it goes, but for a book(s) like these you have to becareful and realize what everyone is up too at the same time. A difficult task.

me

No writing done last night. Exhaustion took over my brain and I curled up in my blankets, read and then fell asleep. After I left work, I picked up a book from Robyn Hobb, the first in her Assassin Trilogy. Inside of three or four pages I became hooked to the story and the main character. Orson Scott Card suggested the novelist and I thought I didn't have much to lose and started it. I hope I can create something so enriching as this when I'm finished.

I left Grapes alone last night. I'm trying to read more of the classics for a couple of reasons. One to educate myself with more styles and literature. To know how the 'masters' worked. I'm usually more interested in their thoughts and methods than the final product. I'm not one to oh and ah over what people say is great when in reality they only say it is great because they find hidden meanings in it all. It took me many years to watch ET and I still haven't watched Dances with Wolves for that very reason. But I can't wait for Dumb and Dumberer. What a great mind at work here huh?

me

Its fuckin' cold outside and now it is snowing and supposed to be even colder tonight! Aaaaarrrrrggggggg.... Tell me again why I moved to Wisconsin from Arizona? Money...you don't need any stinkin' money! I think I'm going to have a bad case of cabin fever this spring. It has already started. I want warm sunny days again!

Writing...remember Bob this is what this BLOG was supposed to be about. Not bitching about the 300 lb gorilla or her boyfriend buck-shot Jones. Writing. I finished Terry Pritchet's Color of Magic Sunday night. Although somewhat humorous, the book left me empty because it had no real ending. Yes it is part of a series I still felt cheated. I've heard so many good things about the author, but in honesty it all seemed a little short of what he or what I thought he was trying to accomplish. Maybe the jokes are now all used up and cease to be funny anymore. The cliched bumbling wizard, the wide-eyed adventurer and the barbarian warrior who always ends up with the treasure and the girl. He played them to the hilt. And although the world seemed quite imaginative, the characters let me down. And in some many books I've read about the writing process everyone shouts, the books are about the characters, not the ideas or the plot. Now finished with one book, I started another. I bought John Steinbecks, The Grapes of Wraith and started reading last night.

"It must be told that my second work day is a bust as far as getting into the writing. I suffer as always from the fear of putting down the first line. It is
amazing the terrors, the magic's, the prayers, the straightening shyness that assails one. . . A strange and mystic business, writing."

I would love to get a hand on his writing journal. In the foreward to Grapes there are some quotes from his journal that left me astounded. It was like he invaded my mind and wrote down my own private thoughts as I've sat before the keyboard. Do you know he wrote in longhand. Fifteen hundred words a day. He had little need for revision or so I've read. Not all writers are like that, I know. My work always needs to be revised because I get going so fast I'm trumping the current sentence with my next thought.

me

Monday...

What an icky weekend. The x came up for the night Friday to see Tommy play in a basketball game. She missed most of his playing time, he got hit with two quick fouls and spent the rest of the time on the bench. Disappointed, he decided to work harder so when the next time presents itself he won't be so excited.

Oh yes the x. What a lump of pile she is. It hasn't been easy the last few years, I understand, but come on. She is moving Bekah away from me and she is moving away from Tommy. It is her decision. I stayed in Wisconsin for that very reason (I'd opt for a much warmer climate!) so I could be close to my kids. We are speaking about what will happen when she moves to Nevada. How much should I pay to get Bekah back and forth? Deep inside I'd pay anything so I can see my daughter, but is it fair to pay the x money so she can move my child away from me so I cannot have interaction with her? Should I move to Nevada? Ack, hell would be a much better place to reside. This is to better Bekah she says. No, she doesn't have to work as much, sit around the house and get fatter and pretend she is a great mom. Oh she loves the kids very much, but it is me who forces her to get the kids involved. It pisses me off then when she comes back to me and says I don't care because money doesn't flow out of my pocket in her general direction. She even took another month of child support for Tommy in January, (he has been living with me since November). And of course if I bring everything up about how she uses me, I'm bringing up past history. No. I only want fair so I don't feel like I'm getting roasted while she goes to Nevada with my daughter and I not only have to pay child-support, but find extra money to get her back and forth.

And then she lays this guilt trip on me. Bullshit. The line in the sand gets marked clearer each day and I'm not letting her cross it. And she is pissed. Again all I want is fair without disrupting Tommy's and Bekah's lives any further. That is why I didn't take the EA Sports job amongst a few other reasons.

Writing hasn't been going so well. I know I'm in limbo about the direction of my latest story. I'm not sure if it is good or not. At least that is my out for not writing. Tonight before I slumber I am going to pound at it some more even if I don't want too. I'm hoping something inside of me will prompt it to go better. I'm trying to keep it all inside me so it will explode out on the page during the first draft. The characters....I hope I can make the characters work.

me

Comments were broken! ACK! I think i have them fixed. I really should take the time and redesign this thing so it looks snazzy, but I've got too many projects on the fire at the moment to concern myself with it so you'll have to deal with the orange.

Over 8k on the story. I dove into my idea like a female wrestler in jello. I hope it doesn't become lame. The mistress has gotten her fill the last few nights, albeit a little less than normal. I'm not sure about tonight, I'm already tired and I have errands to run then basketball. Won't get home until 10:30 I fear. But I will do what I can. I'd like to up my time between reading and writing to four hours a day, but that is tough.

Tommy gets to start on Friday in a home JV game! Last night after his team was spanked by the home town rivals, the coach told him in front of everyone he will get to start. We're not sure why, but I told him that this something he can take advantage of if he wants to play more. I think he wants to hear his name over the loud speaker when he runs out onto the gym floor as a starter. I think this has been a great experience for him. And I hope his grades have improved as his attitude seems to have done.

Well I need to boggie out.

me

Wow I haven't realized how long it has been since I've written. Since last Friday huh? Not that I have to bitch and moan, of course I could find a couple of reasons why to do that, but I will spare you the grief. Tommy has a basketball game tonight with the big rivals. They have a seven footer on the varsity team that will attend U of Wisconsin next year and they have a pretty good team (ranked 4th in the state) so I will be able to watch him.

I'm caught up on bills! Woo hoo! I'm not that far ahead, but at least I'm caught up!

I've woken the mistress up the last couple of nights. But last night she was evil and grumpy. I thought about ignoring her, but I had to get me some or otherwise I'd feel terrible about it. I staggered through an hour of writing. I'm at the crux of the story, the part that will launch the book forward and I'm not sure what I want to do. I suspect the idea I started to write is lame. *sigh* But this is where I need to push through it. I'm at about 7-7.5k worth of words into the story and if I take the left turn, I'm hoping I can do so and pull it off with style, wit and originality.

I saw Adaptation this last weekend! It was brilliant. OH my goodness, the opening scenes in the movie are thoughts straight out of my head when I sit down to write. I cannot believe the way he captured the exact thoughts! It is a crazy, wild movie in all respects, but oh so original in many ways. This will be one I will purchase when it comes out on DVD. I hope Cage if not wins, but at least gets nominated for an Oscar he so deserves it!

me