Confusion ruins the glitter of life. Monday seems like the first day of the rest of my life until then it will be impossible to really do much. In essence I have no idea what I'm going to do with the car. I don't have $2000 stuck someplace, but I need it fixed. Right now I'm renting a car for $10 a day. How much longer can that last?

Yes M I've missed you more than you know. Trying to find a substitute for you is like wearing mismatched socks. At times it works out, but underneath everything you know it isn't quite right. After I scanned through the web things I plodded some words down, the most I've written in a week or so. It began as a story about a crazy man and it swept into an account of the past few months. A good form of therapy for myself I think. I always seem to get my truest feelings on paper or at least what I think they are at the moment.

I wrote this last night.

In our contemporary society, most women think men’s idea of love is pure and simple lust. I suggest real love has a seductive lust to it. Love can drip like the subtle clings of water from an old showerhead. Think about it, a warm drop of water never really heard until exposed and then it either becomes an annoyance or pure joy in knowing the familiar sounds of home. I’m not a scholar and love has no mathematical formula. Which is why I think no man or woman can stand up and describe what love is or should be. It is in the heart sauteed by time not by circumstance and they just know without question. That I think is true love.

I don't know what love is. What should I expect from it? How should I give it? From whom can I learn from to emblelish all the things people rant about? Am I capable of loving with my whole heart? My fear is I expect too much from it. I think I have this great capicity to love without compromise and with all-heart compassion and yet I stumble along after anyone who shows me any interest. I feed upon the discourse of the giddy tiddings of those first few weeks of self discovery, thinking this could be the answer and the ends to the earth I will follow. But the path twists and turns into a forest I would rather not venture into and I fill forced to cackle my dismay. The sensation of guilt overwhelms me and I lock my tongue behind my teeth and follow. The woods darken, we do not seek a sunny meadow where we can run and play, but rather the inner recesses of the shadows that consume our thoughts and spirit.

And I think about the lies. Ones I overlooked because of my sense of duty to uphold the feelings I've expressed. We forced compatibility. And one day I woke up and there was this different person near me I never knew existed. They tricksess usss.... I found my groove over the past few years and knew what I wanted, who I was and I think I have the ability to accomplish these things. Were they ever all that important to her? At first they were glorius ambitions and I would make a fine writer...programmer....whatever. But I felt as if she treated it all with distain as if I was some forgotten child who brought her a present. She scans (I wonder if she understands) and then I wait to be patted on the head and told, "Oh that's nice, put it with the others."

'On the pile the three year old distroyed when you let her sleep in my room?' I think to myself.

I take things too hard. I think too much. I scrutinize peoples actions to determine what they really feel. Isn't that my job? Isn't that my make-up? Or am I evaluating my life based on how others respond to my actions towards them?
I do. I thought it was my strength, it is now my weakness.

And yet I can't help but often think how I screwed the best thing in life up...it will always haunt me until the end of my days, even if she doesn't think so.

I'm sorry if you are reading this jumble and it sickens you. It helps me compare my thoughts during this time. But I've noticed where I'm done bitching about her (well somewhat) and I'm trying to realize what I know or feel. Better yet the lack of each within me. I thought I would be great for someone, maybe I should settle for satisfactory. I do know this, it will be a long slow journey. I'm tired. I guess this was my year to run. Physically (lost 120lbs) and emotionally both in and out. Now I'll rest some.

me