Its Sunday. I'm all alone at work, it seems like a ghost town. The weekend has seemed busy, but in reality there hasn't been much going on other than my son playing basketball. We rented DVD's Friday night and spent the cold night in front of the tube. Yesterday he had a game and for some reason they have practice in the morning before hand. It seems strange to me, but it seemed to eat the whole day up. It was 8:30 before we got home.

I'm in a weird mood today. I'm not sure why. I've had thoughts and feelings tumble around inside my head the past week I haven't felt in a long time. Sometimes I can stick them into the back corner of my mind, but they sneak out when I'm not looking. I bite my lip and go on. I'm not ready to confront them, but I want too in the worst way, besides I'm not the only one involved. I have learned that the best things in life take time and hurrying something along for whatever reason does no good to me. It is when I wait, let things savor in my head is when I realize how terrific things can be. And she knows it better than anyone.

When I write sometimes I'm not even sure what the next sentence is, but the words pour out, the characters or the narration takes off down paths I can barely conceive and I think how wonderful I am. And as if she writes my chapter for me, like an author who knows everything about me, but from a distance. She sees and feels things I can barely comprehend and in the light of it all she uncovers the truth in my soul. Yet I run from it as much as I want to be close to it. I've never had anyone treat me the way she does and yet I desire it so much. How can I possibly say to her what she has meant to me in the last three years without divulging my soul to her? The worst part of it all is will she believe me? She has no right to believe me because I have not acted in accordance to my feelings.

I have a tendency to hide behind small white lies I tell myself. Then I act upon them. It is a strange beast that I cannot fling from my shoulders. I want to be loved so much that I follow anyone who smiles at me, but in the end they rape me of my heart. Yes rape. I've only met one woman who hasn't wanted to use me. Who has sought the best for me even if it meant being kept at a distance, until she knew she was ready to give me her all. And I was a dumb dolt. For years I've been so lonely and I thought a few hours of comfort with someone would satisify these cravings, but in the end no matter how much I tried. I was a tool to get from one place to another without any regards for me, while she sat silent and watched me run after swine.

But does she still care? Can I still make her sigh and wonder what it would be like nestled in my arms? I've destroyed so much in my life and hated myself for it that I wonder if I'm any good for anyone. I struggle to learn to love and what it really means to be loved and I haven't gotten a clue yet in my thirty eight years upon this earth. I've reclaimed my son and I'm doing my best to care for him. I have so much to give. My heart explodes somethings with an emptiness to know I could give this woman. This one person on the whole earth who has choosen to love me for better or worst and I have had a plank in my eye. They say it is never to late. I can only wonder.

me