2007? Wait...no not yet!

The calendar keeps shuffling along, but the days pass like monochrome images. Stark black with hints of gray tossed around so I can wander to the next terrifying crisis. The reality of life isn't what you can get out of it, it becomes surviving the shit so you can do the right thing so your kids can have a better life than you managed to fuck up. Happiness is void with responsibilities. Am I bitter. Why yes I am. And yet it makes no sense. Funny how the game of life works out.

People enter into your life and you don't understand them completely when they are there. Or worse yet, the stars weren't aligned correctly so you didn't get to know them the way you really wanted too. The days pass and you are stricken with the feeling that this person should be in your life, but no matter what you do it can't work out. Fleeting like a soft kiss, she is gone. Like that kiss you wanted it deeper, longer and add passion with a hint of danger and humor. You know you could have it all, but that's how things work out.

And yet I feel that's how my life has been from day one.

It all started in Chicago in 1964. Yes young people I'm an old fart with a few years tucked away under my heart. I don't know why my family lived in Chicago at the time, but that's what it says on my birth certificate.

Life between then and kindergarten is a wash of faded memories. I know I almost lost my wrist at the age of three when I reached for a glass and I tumbled over a stool. The glass broke, my wrist sliced open and there were lots of blood. It doesn't seem to affect me much these days, I can still rub one out with the best of them. We moved to Iowa during this time and my father worked for my grandparents. He became successful in selling Insurance, Accounting and then real estate.

One of my grandparents favorite memories was on the day of a ground breaking ceremony for a large apartment complex they were building. I was dressed in my Sunday's best and then decided I was bored while everyone else got ready. I splashed my way into a few mud puddles. I'm sure everyone was pissed, but they had a chuckle retelling the story.

I can remember huge birthday parties in the summer time at my grandparents house. Sitting in the apple tree eating all the green apples my friend and I could stomach. It pissed my grandmother off, but we could have been doing other things. When my cousin came to visit (he was a few years younger) we would always leer him into trouble. Sending him to the store (across a busy street) with a dollar to buy a balsa wood airplane. My butt was pretty sore after that.

The elementary school was right next to the complex. My father was the manager so everyone knew who I was. One evening I heard my father bellow for me to get inside for dinner. When my father yelled it meant do it now or die. I didn't have time to go around the chain link fence so I decided to climb it. Halfway over, my shorts got tangled in the metal ends of the top of the fence. I had attempted to climb at a place where I could not see the front door of the apartments, but I could hear his thunderous voice. I panicked. I think the more I struggled the worse the tangle became. My father didn't threaten, the rumble in his yell could determine how angry he was and then he would explode. After the third or fourth yell I knew I was going to get a beating as soon as I was able to get off the fence. I tried screaming that I was stuck, but my voice couldn't carry. I'm sure tears and frustration also limited my ability to cry out as loud as possible. About fifteen minutes later some sweet older lady wandered out of her apartment and helped me down. I remember how patient and sweet she was as she helped me off the fence. The sweet smile she gave me when my feet hit the ground and I started to run, made me believe in angels. For only an angel could be that nice and calm in the face of my father.

I bounded up the stairs to the front door to see my father coming again. My life was committed to his hands and I knew there was a thin thread between living and dying at that moment, especially when you are a six year old boy. He grabbed me by the back of the shirt and carried me up to the front door. I hung limp like a slain rabbit. Protesting would only encourage more of his wrath.

My father stood around six foot three to six foot five. Its been awhile since I've seen him, but my father looked like he played professional football. I don't remember him smiling around me much and his eyes always held contempt or anger for me. At that age, I knew I tried to do everything in my power to please him or at least what I thought he wanted me to do. Still I screwed up despite my best intentions. My father led a gang in the fifties in Des Moines, IA. Don't laugh. It may not have been South Central or the Projects, but he and his controlled the school. When he got tired of the bullshit there, he decided to enlist in the Army. He wanted to be a paratrooper. The Army had other plans for him. They wanted him in special forces. The Army won out. I don't know what my dad did in the Army, but he was good at it. I remember seeing a few medals and more than enough weapons to believe he succeeded at it. I think his training made him meaner and angrier, but how am I to know?

Well back inside the apartment, my father threw me across the room, yes all the way so that I slammed up against the opposite wall. Literally twenty feet across the room with enough force to make me bounce off the wall and fall backwards. I cried in pain. I hated to cry in front of him, it usually made things worse. I struggled to get up as he spoke. "Your twenty minutes late. Wash your hands and you have eight minutes left to eat." When he meant eight minutes, I had no longer. I didn't try to explain what happened, I did what I was told and hussled into the bathroom and cleaned up as quick as possible.

My step mother to be looked at my shorts and asked what happened. I told her what happened. My father shook his head and after eight minutes I was finished eating and doing dishes. I know it probably wasn't the horrific story or all stories, but it was the fear my father impressed upon me. I have other stories that would make people blanch at their telling. When my father struck either physically or mentally I felt the blow coming like a truck slamming into a concrete pillar.

About the time I entered first grade, my father married Maggie his second wife and we shuffled off to Arizona. From what I understand we had been there before with my mother, but I remember nothing of it. This time I hated the thought of going to Arizona, but it wasn't up to me now was it?

Maybe I'll post more about this? I dunno...

cya laterz

Do, or do not.

"Do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing."

Shut up and do.

"Do, or do not. There is no try." - Yoda


I am at the mercy of myself. No one else has the wits to drive my actions.

cya laterz

Not that BS again!

Last night as I laid in bed thinking of a cool story to write, nothing came to mind. Nothing so spectacular or awe inspiring came into my conscious mind. Not that I didn't have an idea or two, but they drew a picture of blaise indifference to my own imagination. If they did that to me, then I'm sure to any reader it would be like eating dry toast on a hot summer's day.
Many of my 'stories' have come from neat ideas that I've had. One of the basic tools a writer uses is the 'what if' questions they ask themselves. "What if a man can heal people gets convicted for killing two young girls." You get the Green Mile. The game is easy enough to play. The hard part is convincing yourself that not only is the idea good, but who is going to play the role of the people you are projecting. That is where I stumble.

Characters are the story. No matter what media, the characters make or break the story. How many times has a premise sounded great about a movie, you watch it and it falls flat because you couldn't identify with the characters. (I'm not counting bad acting here. Only poorly developed characters).

Last week on Battlestar Galactica they showed a boxing sequence that fell flat on its face. The premise wasn't very good and the 'drama' they sought to include from backstory sucked. It did little to advance the characters, but played on the ability to create bad tension between friends and family. It turned into a soap opera. This is one of two or three shows I will watch on TV. Hell I own the first two seasons on DVD. It is a show I like, it brought me back to the days of watching Star Trek. But the characters fell flat.

Now instead of scenes I'd like to see, I need to audition characters for a good story. Maybe I can discover someone never used before and he or she can become a star. Maybe not in the sense of Hollywood, but a star of my own making.

cya laterz

Cornflakes

I'm a confused soul. Happy or sad does not cut it in life anymore or at least not in my adult development stage, because happiness doesn't matter any more. I'd like to think it does, but in reality it is all about getting to the next day without fucking up the current one. This means the choices I make need to send a 'positive' message to the ones I care about, whether or not it affects my happiness scale. This means I simply exist not to fuck with peoples lives. It doesn't always work because I get hit with thoughts about how unhappy I am. But that I'm told is selfishness. Giving to others is supposed to make me happy, right? Hell I even blogged about that concept, but what happens when it doesn't work? How long do I wait for my payoff? But yet it isn't about the payoff, it is the duty of one to make others happy and forsake yourself.

But I'm human. I am selfish. I want things I think people should be giving me and yet am I doing enough to expect it? Then self-examination begins to happen and I realize what a fuck-up I really am. My kids succeed when I'm not immersed in their lives. Yet I support them, but I know if they were around me 24/7 they wouldn't be succeeding as they are. I can't claim anything to their successes, but I am proud of them and let them know it as much as I can.

I don't feel like I'm a total loser and I can't do anything right. In fact, I do believe I do many things (at least in my mind) in the right way or spirit, but it never comes back to me. Again its about the payoff. And I am struggling with the fact that I am worried about the payoff. Many people will say that that is to be expected, that we all want something. We want to feel like we belong.

This brings me to another thought. What is love? I mean how do we feel it, express it and expect from it? I have a feeling that I have it all wrong. I think I'm giving the wrong things, doing the wrong things and acting the wrong way. I expect certain things that don't happen and I get frustrated or upset and then I want to give up. Do I give up too soon? Do I expect more than what can be given. But if those things can be given how do I give my love up so I can expect those things? How can I get someone to trust me after I fuck up? Is it ever repairable? [no I didn't cheat] The point is how can I always be there when I don't feel she is there for me?

Is it the man's job to chase the woman even after he has caught her? And how do you keep chasing her if you caught her, but she doesn't want to be caught again? The kicker of it all is that you love her so you can't give up when everything in the world says to give up. Doesn't that mean I'm running away again?

I don't know, but I'm exhausted. Toiling for an expected result that may never come, but because of love I'm expected to keep working at it. Am I going insane? I feel like it.

cya laterz

Fuck you? I wish...

Sex! Sex? Sex. Oh please? *sigh* Am I too obsessed with sex? I've only been in one relationship where the sex was mind blowing. Where she would meet me at work without any panties on and tease me that I couldn't do anything about it. That is until I got home and I could have my fill on whatever was in our imaginations that day. And not once or even twice, but three times a day! Yes even at my age I can muster up the troops a couple of times a day.

And then there are the other women I've become involved with, where everything starts out great and when its time to move to the sexual side of things even that is wonderful. The promises of the world are given and you take that on faith that it will always be that way. But something happens and it changes. The frustrating thing is you've invested your heart into a relationship, you want to be beyond close with them, but it isn't important to them. Any argument seems futile and you've left with we don't have to have sex to be in love.

No we don't. But it tears me up inside and it doesn't really matter. Then I start thinking crazy thoughts. Do I put too much emphasis on it? What is a normal sex life? Once a week or once a day? Why do I get so upset when I have to argue about it? Again am I being selfish because I want to feel good and yet she doesn't want to do it? Should I be concerned with her wants/needs over mine? And yet it doesn't seem fair.

Why does life seem to get harder as we get older? It never is simple about things. Love isn't enough. Telling someone you love them often gets a half-hearted grunt in return. Passion is something only for teenagers and I'm not supposed to think about that because that isn't how life really is. Why not? Shouldn't life be the way you make it?

And yet...if I were to buy that purse for her, I bet I could twist it into sex. How pathetic.

cya laterz

If you're happy and you know it stomp your feet

Suppose you had one moment in your life that you could change. Is there one possible moment that defines people. The fork in the road so to speak where you know if you took another path or made a different choice that things would have changed. The point is we don't know if that one moment changed would have the effect we thought it might. For example, if I would have stayed with my grandparents instead of living with my mother would I have turned out more mature and focused earlier on in my life? Should I have sought out my ex-wife after we broke up before we were married and tried to get her back? What then? Or the countless other life events that at the time seem so slight, but now as we gain age and (supposedly) wisdom we can say we could have done better, Howard?

What if the better ended up being worse? If I wouldn't have married my ex-wife, who knows who I would have met. Might I have grown up quicker, became dependent upon booze, found my creative spring or succeeded in areas on my life I never knew existed?

If only. Or I could have done better. But now lets take that energy and look forward. Time and age quicken our days and we are often left hoping we could have done something more. Do we spend time looking ahead or behind? And if we are looking to the future; do we ever catch the future? Are we making the things happen despite the choices we made or didn't make? Are we learning from our past mistakes so we can life a happier life?

Happiness. Sometimes this state of mind is as elusive winning the lottery. What then is the key to happiness. I used to think it meant doing what I want, but I'm learning that it really is making those you care about happy. Those that are closest to you. The ones who smile at you on a day to day basis. The ones if you get sick or hurt will be by your side until the end (good or bad). Are you giving yourself to them? Is there happiness more important than yours?

Do I have anything to back this up with? No. I don't have a national study, research paper or biblical passage or two that is evident that this will work. But if you think about it, a moment of spending time doing something for someone they don't expect that makes them happy is sure to reap you the reward of being happy. Keeping them the center of your attention has to pay off. This only works of course if they really love you. And when you shower them with your attention, creativity and love how can they not help but respond?

The future then becomes looking forward to doing something special for the people you love. In return they love you back and you feel wanted and needed. A synergy of love begins to circulate between the two (or more) people [not talking about threesomes :P] and no doubt your happiness becomes apparent and the things that matter to you, will matter to them. They in turn will help you reach your inner most desires because in the end, they care enough about you to urge you on, because you care about theirs.

Seems so simple when written, but when you have no money, the kids are always complaining and the house is a mess who wants to make that lazy son of a bitch happy? Maybe changing yourself will change them and if not, you know you trying your best to make those you love happy and in the end, find the peace you want.

At least I think so...

cya laterz

Wreckless driving...

For some reason, I went to my yahoo mailing address and I noticed I had joined many groups that I should not be joined too. No, it wasn't some computer virus that signed me up for them, but I willingly pushed the buttons to say, 'Yes I'll be a part of this.' I don't even remember when I did join them, but its all over now. Then I started to poke around some other groups. I don't know if they were wholesome and good for me, but much better than the previous ones.

Oh look creative writing. I wonder what goes on here. Oh hey, I could read other struggling writers and see how I compare. Maybe it might even inspire me to post. Or write. The horror of it all. (no pun about Holloween!) Lo and behold it has become truth. I posted something I wrote a few years ago, not really a story, but a scene I thought about. Most people 'liked it', but there was some major things missing (plot). I knew it wouldn't be golden, but it holds promise.

So I began to rewrite it. The characters had already been described. I knew what they were like, now I had to wrap it within a premise of a plot. Where something happens to them. And the funny thing is, I'm enjoying it.

Why? Because I got it in my thick skull that I need to do it for me. It used to be to impress someone, to make her think more about me and while that was the greatest feeling I ever had. It was all for naught. Now I do it because I have fun with it and the hell with everyone else. You either like it or don't. Of course I want people to like it, but I have to write it for myself and let those who read it decide and not put my hopes and aspirations into the judgement of those I am close too. Because no matter who that is, they are going to let you down in this area. SO you have to find a way to create something because YOU(me) wants too.

It seems simple and I've known this for many years. But it's like shifting a car from second gear to third and the stick won't quite catch into third. You can hear the grinding of the gears, the car loses power and you have to speed it back up again. Each time you do, your patience wears thin and you begin to think that this car will never get into gear. And its clear that you can't be satisified with second, but what's the point of trying for third. Then when you react and don't think about it, the stick slides into gear and you begin to go faster. You realize what you did, but you're not sure how it happened. Now its time to enjoy the ride.

cya laterz