Cornflakes

I'm a confused soul. Happy or sad does not cut it in life anymore or at least not in my adult development stage, because happiness doesn't matter any more. I'd like to think it does, but in reality it is all about getting to the next day without fucking up the current one. This means the choices I make need to send a 'positive' message to the ones I care about, whether or not it affects my happiness scale. This means I simply exist not to fuck with peoples lives. It doesn't always work because I get hit with thoughts about how unhappy I am. But that I'm told is selfishness. Giving to others is supposed to make me happy, right? Hell I even blogged about that concept, but what happens when it doesn't work? How long do I wait for my payoff? But yet it isn't about the payoff, it is the duty of one to make others happy and forsake yourself.

But I'm human. I am selfish. I want things I think people should be giving me and yet am I doing enough to expect it? Then self-examination begins to happen and I realize what a fuck-up I really am. My kids succeed when I'm not immersed in their lives. Yet I support them, but I know if they were around me 24/7 they wouldn't be succeeding as they are. I can't claim anything to their successes, but I am proud of them and let them know it as much as I can.

I don't feel like I'm a total loser and I can't do anything right. In fact, I do believe I do many things (at least in my mind) in the right way or spirit, but it never comes back to me. Again its about the payoff. And I am struggling with the fact that I am worried about the payoff. Many people will say that that is to be expected, that we all want something. We want to feel like we belong.

This brings me to another thought. What is love? I mean how do we feel it, express it and expect from it? I have a feeling that I have it all wrong. I think I'm giving the wrong things, doing the wrong things and acting the wrong way. I expect certain things that don't happen and I get frustrated or upset and then I want to give up. Do I give up too soon? Do I expect more than what can be given. But if those things can be given how do I give my love up so I can expect those things? How can I get someone to trust me after I fuck up? Is it ever repairable? [no I didn't cheat] The point is how can I always be there when I don't feel she is there for me?

Is it the man's job to chase the woman even after he has caught her? And how do you keep chasing her if you caught her, but she doesn't want to be caught again? The kicker of it all is that you love her so you can't give up when everything in the world says to give up. Doesn't that mean I'm running away again?

I don't know, but I'm exhausted. Toiling for an expected result that may never come, but because of love I'm expected to keep working at it. Am I going insane? I feel like it.

cya laterz