Treadmill

Fortitude is something missing from my life. One could argue the opposite, but I'm not seeing it. Times have been hard over the past few months in almost every area of my life. It makes me wonder how I can finish the race standing up. I never understood those that said life's race gets old at the end. And now with age I start to see why.

At every turn it seems impossible to carry on. Another problem to solve, another crisis to figure out or plain disappointment in my life. I cling onto the good stuff, but are like fireflies and they blink and vanish before I get to catch them.

My eldest son enlisted in the Army. For the past few years he has stuggled. Friends led him down a path of distruction and it all ended when work caught him. Left without a job and really hope of doing anything he turned towards the Army with the promise of being able to go to school afterwards. It took a while for him to get in, with his partying issues, but in late August he was sent to Fort Sill, OK to begin basic.

I've spoken to him once on the phone since that time. So its been hard for me to know what is going on, his mother and I compare conversations so we can understand how he is doing. He hasn't gone AWOL and it seems my boy is turning into a man down there. Which I had hoped would happen.

My daughter has discovered barrel racing. As a ten year old, she competes against teenagers and does quite well. While she isn't winning every race, the 'professionals' tell her that they see a lot of promise in her. She continues to reduce her time and more importantly she loves to ride on her horse.

She is also a very smart girl. Last month she took an achievement test at school and she was one of three to score above 95%. This means that she can earn a trip to Univeristy of Colorado for a week if she passes the next series of tests. If she does well it could also mean inclusion into a group called TAG (talented and gifted).

And yet these remarkable achievements of my kids are being done without me. This tells me a lot.

My personal life is in shambles. Work is okay, but slow so that always puts stress on life. And all of this makes me feel sorry for myself. I do a good job of that it seems. The stupid thing is that I know I'm doing something counter-productive, but I can't stop doing it. I get in stupid arguements because I'm selfish or I want something more than someone can give. And I expect it. But am I giving enough of myself to warrant such a behavior? I don't think so.

My goals fell apart long before my birthday and I'm still not even close in succeeding any of them. I was out of town the whole month of July, gone every weekend doing things and when I did find time to myself, it seemed like work rather than enjoyment.

Wow. Work rather than enjoyment. That sums my life up in a nutshell. I get very little enjoyment out of life anymore. I don't even know where to start to search for it. And yet, there are so many signs in my mental images to show me where and when I have missed it.

I think about the "Jetson's" opening when George is running on the treadmill and it gets starts to go faster and he yells, "Jane! Get me off this crazy thing!" I have no voice to yell, but I stumble along trying to keep up, hoping it will slow down. Sometimes I get scared that I might just jump off, but I don't think that is going to save me. It would only cause more problems.

cya laterz