Hell. I found it. There is a house in Appleton where the spiritual forces of evil have converged and the tender bite of a succubus devours your soul one suckle at a time until you are unable to move yet again. The devil uses powerful words to convience you that you must reside in hell for it is your residence, your own personal nightmare. The screams are unheard as demons scratch trails of hatred into your skin so that you turn away from having a smile.

A smile. What are those things? How are they produced without an instance of stress? Does it swirl behind the face of lies? My courage is seeped by a false smile until I'm unable to distinguish a true emotion. The TV flickers another rerun or gesture to wallow in self-pity. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be rich like them and not have the troubles we have? No. Troubles would still dissolve into our water and poison us.

The poison still affects me to this day. Where I'm unable to decide what to do. I'm terrified of the present and the future. The mixture of toxins engulfed my mind until I found myself unable to dream, to write, to imagine, to sleep and finially to love. My blood runs down the back of my throat. I taste the iron when I sniffle. The doctor tells me I have too much stress in my life. I paid him that much for something I already understand and know?

I'm scared of running away. I thought I would be a man, stick things out and try my best, but I can't do it anymore. Now I'm ashamed of the man I'm going to be when I leave town tomorrow. The weight of the world will shift from one shoulder to the next. There is nothing here but strife.

She foretold it. In the beginning she had strange vibrations about MasterGraphics and I couldn't understand. But damn, she knew almost to the exact way they treated me in the end and that was almost three years before the events took place. I'm always left awed. But I doubt if she understands and because of that I'm indecisive on what I should do.

Permit me to explain a little here if you have the time. It might seem like a whiney post, but I haven't had a true friend to speak my inner thoughts too in months if not over a year so this medium will have to suffice. My life was stolen from a year ago from last May. An innocent date led to a quick relationship where the "L" word was used so frequent I couldn't help but fall into saying it myself. Even at my age (see previous post) I didn't see the warning signs. And I fell into a black hole where my life meant nothing anymore and having it that way pleased her. I'm a man I exaggerate, but the truth be told, my dreams died like a crumpled piece of paper in the fireplace. I never remember a time when there was an attempt to restore them. I blamed everyone else, but in the end I blamed myself. I got myself into the mess, I must get out.

Getting out has been a bitch, worse than my marriage. I left my marriage. This might sound strange, but it was easy because I was so unhappy. But don't believe I didn't suffer for many other reasons, but I knew it was the right thing to do for me. Getting out of satan's clasp has been difficult. He/She clutches my throat in and out of my life and I'm paralyzed to do much about it. Until today. Today I have decided Satan cannot hold me any longer.

Thus I depart from this wasteland. When I was in Barnes and Noble the last time I read Terry Brooks book about writing, I spoke about that a few days ago (too lazy to link it right now). I ready his nearly 200 page book in about 2.5 hours (heh its my library! :P). THe last line of his book. Being a writer must be the most important thing in your life.

How can you do that? Do I want that? Can I do that? And more importantly should I take that approach?

Tomorrow afternoon I'm getting in my car and going someplace south. I'm not sure where I'm going or how I'll get there, but I do believe my soul will be the better for it. It must or I will die soon. My soul will be crushed and my body might as well dig a hole six feet deep and wait for the dirt to cover me. But I'm not going to let that happen. Thus, I move on.

Then there is this yellow thing that drives my soul crazy. Maybe I should just get lost and never hurt anyone again. Including myself...

I know I'll drive down the road and I'll come to the fork in the road. I'll pull off to the side of the road. So many choices to decide and I'm so confused I'll wait until my heart tells me which way to go while my head screams about the idiocy of my life. I guess it will give me something to write about in the future huh?

If I get swallowed up in the universe, realize I'll miss you more than you'll ever know. So who knows when I'll be able to post again here. Go for your dreams! Don't let anyone steal them from you!

me