Dizzy

Round and round it goes where life stops nobody knows...
There is a frustration in my life that I can't seem to hang onto people. I think I twirl around going from one thing to the next and unless you are caught in my gravitational forcefield, you bounce off my atmosphere and continue your way in space. Sometimes the sun will pull you back and there is a brief mingle of pulls, but unless you crash into me. You pass on again.

I believe its my disposition in life and how I feel about myself. Don't cringe I'm not going to get all weepy. I'm only doing some self analysis so I can improve. My improvement of course depends on the perspective of who is reading/writing this.

It bothers me that I can't hold onto relationships very well. Often times than not, I enjoy my own company over many people I know. There have been a couple of people in my life where that hasn't been the case (I can think of two.). Since I'm over forty years old, I sense that this a problem. I have a hard time having casual friends.

I think this hurts me in my giiiiirl relationships. I'm pretty much 0 to 60 in a heartbeat and then keep the pedal to the metal until it explodes because I want more. Usually there isn't more to give and then I 'feel' hurt. These conditions I'm pretty much sure destroyed the one person in life I knew I could share it with in whole, but my patience and understanding could not be trained to realize that while I thought I was pushing hard to control things, I had actually lost control. This of course left me without the perfect someone.

When I mean perfect, I don't mean we agreed on everything and life sparkled every second of the day. Perfect meant that I saw her beyond a woman, mom and partner. We could share a laugh, music and the gentle breeze. It meant that I would have rather been with her than anyone else in my life. She became my best friend. And I [metamorphically] strangled the life out of our relationship until she became so emotionally overloaded that she didn't want to be around me and I felt I had to drag anytype of emotion out of her to 'progress' to the next level.

A real relationship between two people starts off as friends and then you get this hint that it could be something more because you really enjoy being with that person. I've come to realize the process of real love is like incabating an egg and letting it sit under the warmth of friendship. And then the sex I presume would be terrific because you gave yourself and the other person to fully experience your full essence of not only what you are, but what you've become to each other.

I love sex. Like most men, I go crazy when I don't get it and then it becomes an obsession that I want to pursue. Damn. I'd rather go through all the emotions of a woman who I call as friend who will laugh and cry with me. Of that I miss the most, because society has allowed sex to become too easy. The hard part is being able to hold someone hard enough so they know you love them, but not so hard you strangle them. I hope someday I will learn how to do that.

cya laterz