Some day when I grow up I wanna be a ....

During my twenties that became my theme phrase. Over time I gravitated to computers and programming, which I've taught myself ninety percent. I've made a decent living over the past decade or so and now with my business I can really see the potential. Of course I also see how I can be downgraded and out of business as well.

But the edge I've been walking has really nothing about how I'm suppose to make money to feed my dependants. (I love the buggers!) It is that vibe I've been feeling all my life. It isn't about me deciding what I want to be, but rather acting upon my instincts and saying to hell with it. I'm gonna do what I wanna do, I want to create something. I've often been steered (moo?) towards writing. Something I really enjoy since I can't draw shit. (Turds are very messy and I just can't capture their essence.)

I wonder if I have a voice for podcasting? I wonder if I could come up with material on a weekly basis for a consistant podcast. I'd think about doing video, but I'd have to direct something since I'd scare viewers away I'm sure. (ooo pron!) The point is, would doing a podcast be something I would enjoy? I dunno. Back in the day when I'd try to woo women, I'd make tapes. Cutting songs, sound bites and such together to get a 'feeling' across to whoever I was aiming it towards. (See the movie High Fidelity) I thought I was pretty good at it. But most important, I had fun.

My last effort flopped. Not because of quality, but because of delivery. I created a three part opera with humor, romance and spice. Something you'd probably only want to hear once, giggle and then be on with life unless it was directed to you. Other than a few people in the inner circle, I don't think there would be much call for something like that. So I'm left to wonder what I would do...

Then the idea struck me. One of my many problems is the inability to make a decision of what I want to create. Even when I'm writing, most of my problems come from trying to be absolute genius when I can't be. I know it might be disappointing to hear from some, but I can't compete with my inner self. The is idea is to turn off this internal editor and have fun. With everything. Writing, splicing, playing or whatever I'm trying to do so that I can be creative and have fun with it. Then expose to the world and say, "Fuck you. I did this and you'll either like it, hate it or don't give a shit." And dear reader, it is up to me to be fine with however it is received. As long as I'm content on what I produced was fun. The point being is that I need to be able to appriciate what I can do.

I think that is why artists often have large eogs. They stick themselves out there and don't allow anyone to deflate them. Even when something goes wrong, it is their ability to pick themselves up and try again. Those that can't fade away into the distant memories of one-hit wonders.

Now....how can I cause trouble.

seeya laterz